It's been a tough spring.
I try to stay on an even keel- but I can't lie, it's hard. Lately it seems like I go from stress to exhaustion to depression to self-loathing to irritation to anxiety. All this has led to me giving myself a pass on diet and nutrition for the last couple of months. I still average 3 workouts a week and while I havent gone hog wild, I havent been running a tight ship. It's hard to meal prep and do the things you need to do to be in the place to make smart choices when you're tired and stressed. And don't have any free time.
The result is that the scale is 10 lbs heavier than it was when I finished my gym's Whole30 challenge. This wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that I needed to loose about 25 lbs before that 10. So now I need to lose 35. Just like that- in a matter of 2 months of giving myself a pass, by being easy on myself, I lost my goddamned mind.
Today, I have been thinking about that extra 10 lbs and what I would say to another person dealing with the stuff I am dealing with. I think that I have just been feeling sorry for myself. I have been giving myself a pass and "taking it easy" on myself because I didnt want to deal with the stress of eating right or working my ass off in the gym. Its easier to go through the drive through on the way to work or half ass it at the gym, than to get out of bed 10 minutes earlier and make something decent for breakfast or to workout with impunity, the way I do when I give a f%ck.
I deal with a lot of stress- but that it is the price to pay for having a fair amount of agency and control over my life. It is the price I have to pay for being smart and hard working. And driven. And while I am a grown up, and no one will ever be as hard on me as I am on myself, I realize that I have to be hard on me. I have to hold myself to high standards. Because if I don't no one else will.
And at the end of the day, the excess weight, the ill-fitting clothes, the pain in my knees- all of that is mine. I carry that; that is on me.