I think a mistake we all make is when we give up when the results aren't appearing as quickly as we had hoped, or as we would like.
I feel like losing weight is very much like trying to roll a boulder up a hill...
The challenge of dragging yourself to your fitness place/gym, the challenge of curbing cravings and conquering withdrawal symptoms, hormones, circumstances, feelings, it all feels very much like an uphill battle.
But there is a top, and an edge, the boulder will surely roll over, right?
And tumble down the other side, and the weight will fall off, and the changes will become habit.
This is what I tell myself.
I recently lost my kick boxing studio to my now ex-friend, I think I mentioned this in my other post, which now in hindsight looks like a jumble of various streams of conciousness from my tired late-night brain.
I hadn't been to a fitness facility in what felt like.. over a week, in fact I spent several nights at home, lounging around watching tv... Crossing Lines if you've heard of it. Great show.
I felt awful, like someone had turned the lights out in my life, a symptom of living with PMDD, you can look it up if you like, it has to do with our "cycle"...
It had felt like for several days, there was no purpose to anything, so it was easy to give in to the cravings for salt. Part of this I believe is in giving permission. As soon as you mentally give yourself permission to eat something, you've justified/rationalized it however you have, it's almost more than likely over, you're going to follow through.
I could feel guilt and fear creeping in, the fear of failing, conflicting with the other feelings, it was a tumultuous few days.
So, I forced myself to walk. I went for a 2 hour walk, roughly 5-6km.
I felt like crying at the end, just an unexplained looming sadness, and so I did have a large fry from McDonalds after my walk.
But I walked... and just like that, I think I broke the cycle of failure.
Yesterday I went to my obstacle course training centre, and I surprised myself with my strength and endurance, I find I constantly surprise myself. And best yet, I found a new kick boxing studio.
I feel I have prevented myself from failing, from quitting, by quickly getting myself back on track.
Because it's all downhill if I permanently give up... And I have to constantly remind myself of that.
I don't want to feel like I did before. 257lbs, size 20 in denial. I always said I was a size 16.. I couldn't get over knowing that I could barely fit into a size 18...
I remember the day an XL shirt no longer fit me. But I wasn't ready to do anything about it then.
I looked older. I couldn't wear juniors clothes, despite my age. I never looked my age, but now I was really forced out of my age range clothes.
I knew how much I'd gained.... But I lied to myself for so long, saying I could still squeeze into some LG shirts, it just depends on the brand and how they fit.
At the risk of sounding conceited, I always felt like I had a pretty face, I hated the rest of my body, so this was the only thing that gave me comfort right up until the last 20 pounds I gained.
I truly began to hate my face. All I saw were my acne scars... where my jaw line used to be. I looked bloated like a balloon.
I hated most photos of me unless taken at certain angles ie. selfies.
There were no clothes that fit me properly, not underwear, not jeans, not skirts. I was always hot, because I refused to show my arms. For years now I wore jean jackets, which close friends jokingly called my "security blanket".
Everything felt tight, and suffocating. I constantly felt like I was taking up too much room. More than I was entitled to.
On the subway, walking down the street, in chairs and turn stalls.
I was even slightly paranoid, okay, more than slightly paranoid.
Being 5'9-5'10, you stand out, you feel like everyone is looking at you, judging you.
Another thing I remember with my weight gain, is I used to have excellent balance, but just trying not to fall on transit became more challenging as I had rapidly gained the last bit of weight and was not used to controlling it.
When I walked, I experienced severe pain in my lower back, now completely gone.
I couldn't do one push up, but now I can do 20 all at once.
I could barely make it up a set of stairs, but now I can run laps, and I can flip tires and I purposely take the stairs rather than the escalator.
I cannot go back there.
I CANNOT go back there...