DAY 94: Delusions of non-grandeur

Posted on June 25, 2015

Damn all the cameras.

I took a co-worker to lunch for her birthday today, and she was all giddy and wanted to commemorate the day with a photo. Sure -- now that photos are less embarrassing to take, I was entirely on board. I even thought it might actually be kinda cool to see myself in a picture after such a long evasion of anything with a photographic lens that could be pointed at me like a weapon.

Well, cool it wasn't.

So much weight lost, and I still look like shit.

Have I been imagining all the changes? Or is it just that they're so subtle, only I can notice? I mean, who the hell else is gonna notice my fingers are smaller? Ugh, and I had been walking around all, "I feel pretty!" God. No wonder only 3 people have realized I've lost any weight. It's not like I've moved the needle from fat to thin; I've only moved it from fat to marginally less fat. Looking at that picture was such a deflating moment. It made me feel hopeless. And crazy. And stupid. Still fat, and now hopeless and crazy and stupid to boot. Needless to say, I hid that cursed photo from my wall when the birthday girl posted it on Facebook. I'm not quite ready for prime time, I guess.

I felt a little draggy the rest of the day. I ended up staying late at work, so late that it derailed my normal routine of going straight to the gym after my commute, then coming home for dinner. Somehow, I convinced myself to walk a mile to the gym after dinner, do a mile and a half on the treadmill, and walk back home. (Getting my miles in has become a dissociated obsession at this point, so I was going to do that regardless of my never-ending fatness.)

During the treadmill slog, something magical happened: I looked in the mirror, and it was not what I had seen in the photo. All I could see of myself that wasn't obstructed by the actual machine was my chest and points north. I realized I was staring at the way my shoulders were moving with my swinging arms. I snapped out of it and kind of forced myself to look myself in the eye. I was wearing an expression I've never seen on my face before: defiant determination.

Fuck that photo. It does not define me. What I do in reaction to it does.

Did I have a diva moment where I didn't want anyone to see that picture of myself? Sure.
Did I slip into a negative space and allow myself to feel defeated for several hours? No doubt.
Did I throw my hands up, pick up a pint of ice cream on my way home from work, and spend my night crying into it on the couch? Hell no, I didn't. My defiantly determined ass walked itself to the gym and kept moving right along.

That chick I saw in the mirror at the gym? I want to always be her. Her narrower shoulders were high with confidence, her slimmer neck was strong, and her single chin was up. No one else in the gym knew it, but that chick is a bad-ass. It took the treadmill to literally block out the "bad" parts so I could focus on the positive progress I've made. It's NOT all in my head. It's so easy to lose that focus if you let yourself.

Thirty-six miles to go to reach 200 miles for June. I think I'll focus on that instead.

...And maybe no more pictures for a while.

Comment Now!

Aimes

07/06/2015 9:12AM

I thought about this post over the weekend. While swimming with my kids, my father-in-law took a handful of photos. The kids look adorable and I...look like Jabba the Hutt. How is it that I think I look so much better than I do!? I took a minute to cry inside, then used your motto: Fuck that photo. Moving on! ;-)

Pirwaki likes this comment.

Pirwaki

Good for you!!!!! The day will come when cameras are not the enemy, but right now, they all need to stay away (except for when I'm entering or exiting a Diet Bet).

Kristin

06/27/2015 6:32AM

I sympathize with your reaction to the picture -- I've had the same reaction. But then walking to the gym, working out, walking back in spite of feeling draggy. That is determination. And recognizing your determination in the mirror at the gym? Hurray! Good for you. Your blog posts are so honest and touching. Thanks.

Pirwaki

Thanks, Kristin! I'm glad I haven't been tempted to give up. This stuff gets hard, and some points are just harder than others. You sure find out what you're made of. Thank you for reading and for sharing your feedback. It really helps.

bahhhhh

06/26/2015 6:14AM

This made me so happy, and so proud of you. It is so easy to see the flaws (I mean, we're bred for it!), but being able to find yourself and your merit after that-- in the SAME day, too?!-- just amazing. I especially love how honestly you talk about your immediate self-flagellation. It's that knee-jerk, that reflex that (I think maybe as women) we all do. It's stupid and detrimental. But you caught it. And that's another reason you're a bad-ass. And for realsies-- nobody should tag people in Facebook. Nobody has ever tagged me in a good photo-- ever. And I haven't always hated my face. People are just dicks when it comes to filtering out terrible photos. DICKS. 200 miles, GIRL. So great! Please coordinate your 25th mile to this song, because it is the greatest song ever: https://youtu.be/7LSi4ehayoA

Aimes likes this comment.

Pirwaki

Thanks, Tia! :) It really sucks to feel like you've come so far, only to realize how far away you still are from where you need to be. I mean, it's part of the process for everyone, but it sucks to be bitch-slapped by reality when it doesn't square with your mental perception. I'm glad I'm not self-destructing, though. It sounds like I was all strong, but it really just kinda... happened. Good thing I set that goal, I guess. Obsessive personality pays off!

ElizabethF

06/25/2015 9:38PM

That's amazing. I enjoyed your post! I'm so happy that you yourself were able to get out of your "negative space." Awesome job!!

Pirwaki

Thanks! It really could have gone either way... I'm glad it went in the right direction. :)

Elizabeth H.

06/25/2015 8:42PM

I'm really glad to read that you found your determination and a positive outlook after that. I just really want to let you know that photos can be awful for anyone at any phrase of life. Really. They never, ever, tell the true story! Ever! Also, I have felt that there are sometimes these magical threshold weights that once you hit them everyone can notice, and clothes fit differently, and all sorts of things happen. So, I'm imagining you are on that cusp. Just a tad bit more and maybe the magic will spark for all to see! Regardless of photos or threshold weights or anything, you are obviously doing so well! Thank you for sharing! Your determination has inspired me to keep going too. :-)

Pirwaki

Thanks, Elizabeth! I hope you're right and there's about to be a huge change in how I look, because I don't ever want to be ashamed of how I look in a picture again. If I am, let it be because my eyes are closed, not because I'm fat. I think I feel so much smaller, it's hard to reconcile not looking as small as I feel. Anyway, it just reminded me I can't get complacent, cuz I'm not done yet! Thanks for your comment and it makes me happy if I've inspired you in any way. :)