I was adamant about hiding my weight. Mine has always been the profile that, if you were to come upon it, showed a lot of little circles, but no numbers. I didn't want you to know how much I weigh. I didn't want to be judged by anyone.
I was *just* about to write: If you've ever been nearly 400 pounds - even just somewhere in the 300s - you know how it feels to encounter life with a feeling that you're being judged.
But, I want to edit that. I remember weighing 237 pounds and feeling judged by everyone around me. I remember being 270 pounds and feeling judged based on my weight and body. Anybody with any body can feel judged, and we in the "very obese" category do not corner the market of feelings.
Essentially: I think that there are two major reasons that I feel judged, and these reasons are applicable to anyone who's ever dealt with weight problems:
1) I judge myself. I judge myself based on the numbers on the tags of my clothing. (Right now that number is 28, because f*ck it, I don't want to hide who I am anymore.) I judge myself based on the cultural expectations thrust into ALL OF OUR FACES ALL OF THE TIME about what a beautiful/healthy/worthy woman or man looks like. "Here's a beautiful person on a first date," the Match.com commercial should say. "Look at how her date is attractive, and chivalrous." That's only one example, obviously, of the daily bombardment of explicit and implicit cultural (and marketing) messages we get which tell us what should make us happy.
2) People do judge us. It's a fact, and recognizing that fact makes me feel less hurt by it.
Let's remember: everyone else is receiving the same not-so-subtle messages about how their bodies should look, and how *my* body should look. They are subject to the same unrealistic expectations of skinny=valuable. Valuable=worthy. Worthy=happy. So people are judging us, but let's remember that they're probably judging themselves a hell of a lot more. And furthermore: they are only judging me (us) because our culture is one of a pecking order - we are charged with figuring out where we fit.
You know what though? The most judgment I feel on a given day is coming from me.
I don't want to judge myself, or shield myself from you. I am who I am. And I want you to get to know me - to celebrate with me when I achieve, and to motivate and hold me accountable when I need your tough love.
Weight is a numbers game, but those numbers only matter as much as you let them.
I un-hid my weight today. Because this is me. Without even having conversations with some people, they have inspired me based on their actions. Maybe I can inspire someone based on mine. And I think that this whole thing - DietBet, 'merica, whatever - would be a whole lot better if we focused more on celebrating those who inspire us, and pushing our comfort level further, so as to be able to provide the same for others, rather than hiding our pain/shame and focusing instead on how we judge, rather than how we can understand, each other.