The other part of that quote is: Am I completely ready to have this in my life now or in the next year?
One of my goals in starting this six month Diet Bet is that I want to be out in the water with everyone else. I don't want to be left on the beach anymore. I want to be with the cool people hanging out in the deep water.
Every year I go to Lake Tahoe in the Sierras in California to camp and swim at the beach at a campground there. About four months ago I started swim lessons.
Last month I did a month long Diet Bet forcing myself to starve and train. Years ago I lost 20 lbs. in a month by starving and supplementation. But I haven't been able to do that again, because starving is so inhumane and there's part of me that just ... won't. I didn't finish that Diet Bet, but I did lose four pounds, after all that fighting and starving and being crazy and making myself and everyone else suffer.
But I still have to go to Tahoe. There I usually sit on the beach, hiding behind a towel or an umbrella. Not only do I FEEL horrible in a bathing suit, but I also can't swim because I almost drown when I was five. My brother dragged me out of the pool by my hair.
Oh, I've had lessons, but panic always trumps those.
So this year I'm learning how to swim, again, by managing my panic through breathing. I can now swim one lap free style, float and tread water. Yes!
And I'm learning how to be in a bathing suit by being ok with who I am right now. Nobody in my swim class or at the pool cares who I am, or how I look. If they do, they are polite enough not to say anything to my face. Nobody at the camp ground this year will care who I am. Everybody I know has already seen me in a bathing suit. Oh, well. I'll be in Lake Tahoe in ten days...
By the time this Diet Bet is over next May it'll be time to think about swimming in Lake Tahoe again three months after we finish. Swimming in the deep water. Wearing a bathing suit. Being ok with a me who is saner and healthier and maybe swims better.