So last week, or 5 days ago, I began again. I basically started fresh and didn't let the multiple "wagon falls" I had affect me anymore. And to boost that new start I started a 10-day smoothie cleanse to help me jump start myself even more and hopefully reset my palette. Well in these past few days I learned quite a few things about myself, some sad, some very dissappointing and some quite positive. Sadly I learned that once you eliminate all aspects of food preparation and purchasing and just general interaction i.e. going out with friends , going to lunch with co-workers etc. one finds themselves at a loss. Without food as part of my daily thought, I found that my life was otherwise empty--basically my entire day revolved around food or some aspect of it. This was very depressing to learn because I never saw myself as food-centric or "one of those people"--you know the ones that you see on those horrible weight loss shows or that TLC show. I always saw the reason for my fatness being completely (as of the past 3 years) the result of inactivity---well I was totally wrong. Apparently subconsciouly and consciously, food was always on my mind and a huge part of my day so much so that on the first day of the cleanse, I didn't know what to do with myself--I could barely focus on watching tv, I couldn't even focus long enough to read even a sentence in a book and after I finished picking up my supplies from Target, frozen fruit, I found myself aimlessly walking around because normally I would go up and down each aisle doing my grocery shopping. Which I realized while there that I did this whether or not I actually needed groceries. It was quite a change to do specific grocery shopping and to get in and get out. That day was a rude awakening for me, letting me know what kind of life I was really leading....and then I cried. I cried because of how empty and for lack of a better word how pathetic and pitiful I felt. I never would have thought that I would find myself in this situation viewing myself in this light, making these discoveries.
Since then, I have been engaging in a bit of mental physical therapy. In that, I'm almost relearning how to interact with life and learning how to not have food be such a huge part of that and so far its been a big learning experience filled with many changes. Now instead of plopping on my bed with dinner and watching tv, I'm reading and taking a walk. Instead of mindlessly snacking, I'm more conscious of my thoughts and my actions as well as my snacking since I can still have fruit while on the cleanse. I'm also realizing just how ingrained having a dessert after dinner became withing me because even after my smoothie I find mysely reaching for some grapes "to finish it off"--having to learn not to do this. I'm also getting to know the true difference between actual hunger and my body just wanting more food---I'm not as hungry as my body would have me believe, lol. Also, I feel like I'm getting a greater appreciation for food because I am realizing that I would often waste a lot of my calories on unnecessary foods and mindlessly snacking on those foods even when I wasn't hungry---I'm also learning by-proxy just how unhealthy my "healthy" eating actually was.
All in all, I thought I would dislike this cleanse because of the restrictions and only go through with it because I wanted the weightloss jumpstart and the palette reset. Instead I'm finding that I love this cleanse for what it's basically showing me about myself and the life I'm leading. I'm still learning and hoping to once it's over really make some more changes and continue leading a life that is less food-centric. It's going to be hard but I'm ready to put in the work because I really do want to make a change and transform into someone who I've always wanted to be, healthy mentally and physically--being slim is only a bonus. ^_^