When did I become such a whiny, negative person? I could give a million excuses as to why I am justified to be that way. I could sit here for days and type out sad stories one after the other. I dare say that you'd be tempted to feel sorry for me. I don't seek pity, although I admit that I feel satifaction when there's recognition of these "justifications" for my shortcomings. "You see what life can do to a person if the hand delt is fucked up enough? You, too could end up like me if..." But I know the truth. I have always made things as bad as they are because of my own choices. Over and over again I turn to self harming behaviors to cope with what is beyond my control. I end up out of control. You get to a point where you're lying in bed and feel as if your head is being held forcibly under water. You don't want to drown, but there you are anyway. The flood waters of life rising again, and the one holding me under is me. Traitorous bitch.  It's all you can do in day to day life just to exist, if you can call it that at all.

It's not all terrible. I have seasons of things being fine and every few years I have a positive breakthrough. I hear some speech or see some success story and get all fired up. I look at the faces of those I love and find the determination I need to give them a better me. To be a person that I can be proud of and that they deserve to have in their lives. I'm so sorry for being the sad mom, the dissappointing wife, the neglectful daughter, the absent sister...Anyway, I dry my tears and pick myself up because I need to do this. I can do this. I will do this. I'll prove it! So many times I feel like this is it - this time is the last time and I'll make the changes stick. I will do anything and everything to make this right. I talk the talk; I walk the walk. I get obsessive, seeking perfection. If I just do every single thing right, I won't fail. Then I will deserve to succeed. And success does come. The hard work starts paying off. Confidence builds and it feels so damn good. I feel good. I like this me. "I'm never going back to how I was!" ....

I've made it pretty darn far. I've won challenges and been a support group superstar. Months upon months of self overhaul inside and out. I give my all and I don't mind the work, because I have hope now. I see a future taking shape that I had only dreamed of. The crash is coming, and from experience I expect it, but it still takes me by suprise every time. A family friend suddenly dies, I injure myself, another bout of illness, my business fails, my doctor decides to try a new anti depressant and I feel like a fucking loon, my father getting cancer... my husband says he's thinking about leaving.... I crash and burn. Just as I do every time before. The light of my fail comet blinding any poor soul in close proximity to my person. I stop being able to sleep at night. I stop going to the gym. I stop taking my meds and suppliments. Every action of the day is spent in the service of getting to the point where I can crawl back in bed. I skip meals. When I do eat, it's for comfort. I don't think about how much things suck when I'm eating a double bacon cheeseburger from Sonic. I don't think about my marriage problems when there's gummy candies in my mouth. How can I possibly spend time weighing and measuring every morsel of food and meticulously counting and entering calories into a food log when my life is falling apart? Who can exercise when you hurt even laying down? Why try to be a better person when you're just going to get kicked in the teeth anyway? I've been repeating this cycle for Over. 20. Years. Since I was 10 years old I go round and round only to end up worse then when I started.

So why am I here? Why am I even thinking about trying again? I don't have any answers. I don't have any clue right now. I don't even know what I weigh but I'm guessing over 330 pounds. Just the fact that I'm out of breath going up literally 5 stairs is enough to know that I'm in a very bad situation. Usually I get my moments of inspiration and desire to change when life has calmed down. I clear out every scrap of food deemed "unhealthy" and start planning every meal for the next month. It's a time of hopefullness and excitement about the new start. I be like "New Start! New Me! Wheeeeee!" If that's you reading this right now (or was you, before you stumbled across this trainwreck) That's awesome! I wish I felt that way again, so ride that wave all the way to victory! As for me, well, at this very moment I have a glass of tequilla and orange juice beside a container of cherry jelly hearts on my computer desk. Also a bag of cheetos on the floor next to me. The party size bag. I'm not excited about joining a diet challenge, not in the least. I don't know that I can do this in any lasting, meaningful way. I'm just very tired of using my life and illnesses as excuses. I am clearly destroying myself. I'm tired of using self hatred as a crutch. I'm not making myself any lofty promises this time. I'm just going to do some things that I know I should be doing. That's all. The only dream I have in this moment is that I will look back at this post and say " Wow. That sure was some shit state my mind was in. Glad I got over that, how embarrassing." 

Lord bless you to bits if you read this whole thing. This was a serious and honest look at where I'm at mentally and emotionally at this moment, and I'm using this space as a tool to work these things out. I could make this private, but maybe there is someone out there who is struggling with these same issues in a sea of shiny-happy-life-change-you-can-do-it people and feels like no one understands. This is for that person as much as myself. If I ever do reach the other side of this thing, I want them and myself to look back at it start to finish. It's one thing to say "oh I get the tough stuff" and another to have a documented journey that includes all the yucky bits.