A Long, Anticipated Journey

Posted on January 27, 2016

I think it's finally time to stop procrastinating and expecting results out of the work that I haven't put in. Coming into 2016 and recently started watching the Biggest Loser, I have now realized that in order to get where I want to be, I have to have the determination and put in the work. I think I also have to learn to let go of the resentment that I feel towards myself.

For several years I have been very unhappy. In the past couple of days since comitting to this DietBet, I have realized that a large majority of my unhappiness has stemmed from the fact that I am unhappy with myself. Throughout this journey, I want to learn to love myself and who I become to be.

I know that this is going to be a long road, but I hope that this next 4 weeks is the jumpstart that I need to make my goal. My goal is to reach 150 pounds by my dad's wedding in March of 2017. I hope that my weight loss will also fuel my family to lose weight too, seeing as both of my parents are overweight.

---Some background--

I used to be a fit soccer player. I wasn't the smallest player; I had big legs, but I generally liked the way I looked. I tended to feel negative towards myself based on how other girls my age looked, or because my mom would make comments on my appearance. I have always struggled with who I am. It wasn't until my junior year in high school that I truly hit rock bottom. Over the course of my junior and senior year, I had three knee surgeries, one of them being a donor graft transplant. I could no longer play soccer, and felt that I missed out on a lot of opportunities, including becoming a team captain.

My physical health and eventually mental health began to affect me. My junior year I was also told by my church that they were not going to confirm me. This wasn't particularly devastating to me, but it hurt me because I knew that my parents were disappointed in me. I was also hurting because I had moved out of my mom's house because I couldn't stand to live with her anymore. She was mentally and emotionally abusive, and we couldn't get along. This meant that I had to move into my father's house where he lived with his girlfriend (the woman he had had an affair with). My junior year I was admited to an outpatient program to try and teach me skills to manage my depression and anxiety.

After treatment, I finished my junior year and got a job for the summer. Things were going great, until the stress of school dawned on me. I became very depressed, went out less, and gained weight. I became very unhealthy and spent large amounts of my time in my room in bed and sleeping. In September of my senior year of high school, I ended up having a suicide attempt because I hated myself and couldn't stand to live anymore because I thought I was a disappointment and burden to my family. After a week in the hospital, I promised myself and my family that I would never hurt myself and would be there for the long haul.

--Today--

It has now been over a year since my suicide attempt, and over two years since my first surgery. I am currently at my heaviest weight, but am anxious to become the best I can be. Watching the Biggest Loser and Team Jen has given me great motivation to strive for my goals. I also have a great support system of family and my best friend that continue to push me. I think that by losing weight I will not only shed the pounds, but also the sadness and resentment that I feel for myself.

I am currently enrolled as a freshman in college.

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Rochelle C.

01/28/2016 12:52AM

Hey Tori - first of all - congrats on pushing through that seriously rough time in your life. Depression is so hard, and not everyone has the strength to make it through. And second of all - congrats on making this commitment to yourself to not only better yourself physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I think we all get so caught up on what we look like in the mirror that we forget about our emotional health and sometimes end up hurting ourselves even more emotionally by putting too much focus on our physical appearance. I can relate a bit to the feeling of "I used to be fit" - I was a soccer player and cheerleader in high school myself - and also never felt quite "skinny" or completely happy with my body - but I knew I was in good shape. I didn't have the same challenges that you had with numerous knee surgeries and depression - that is a lot to overcome. For me it was just letting excuses get in the way over and over and using food as a coping mechanism. And the more out of shape I got the more I felt like just saying "well... maybe some people just aren't meant to be in shape" - which is honestly BS. Anyways... much love being sent your way. I hope you continue to blog! You are inspiring me to commit to my goals even more!

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Rochelle C.

Definitely! Loving ourselves and making ourselves a priority is key I think! I'm a nurse and a coach now... so I put my patients and athletes ahead of myself a LOT - gotta make sure I practice what I preach and be healthy and fit myself too!!

Rochelle C.

LET'S DO THIS!!

Aaron

01/27/2016 3:46PM

Wow, Tori...My heart broke reading this. Sweetie, just know that you are such an inspiration to others that aren't able to talk about similar experiences. It's never easy or smooth dealing with negativity from those that we are programed from birth to please. It's all about the baby steps...and trying to spend more time focusing on the things that make you feel "good" vs other feelings. Best wishes...you're doing awesome!

Tori likes this comment.

Tori

thank you so much, Aaron. All the support that I can get will help me go so much farther! I've been working really hard on doing what makes me happy, and right now that's trying to fix what's on the outside to help feel better on the inside :)

Mimi

01/27/2016 2:34PM

It takes courage to be open about your past and I believe it is a sign of recovering from those emotional scars you've endured. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and a blessing to this world. Being overweight can be a burden especially when society keeps telling us what we should look like. I am happy to hear that today you have healthy goals for yourself and are back in school. You are going to hit your goal of 150lbs by your dad's wedding and graduate in no time. Keep speaking that over your life and you'll get there. Words are very powerful. ENCOURAGEMENT!!!

J C. likes this comment.

Tori

thank you so much! It really helps to know that people are reading and encouraging me to overcome what I have been through, and see that I can push past it! Together we can both reach our goals! :)