Years ago, what seems like a lifetime ago, I hit bottom and began attending NA maeetings in an attempt to get my consumption of soft drugs under control. Part of me never fully felt like I belonged there, although that was mostly of my own doing. I was a pothead, and they were junkies. Never mind the horrible things I had done, nor the hurt I had caused people in the pursuit of my high. They were hard-core, I was not.
This is not to say I took nothing from those meetings. I stayed two years, and learned plenty. One of them was the corny truism that when you point a finger at someone, there are four pointed back at you. (And as Stu Smalley would say, a thumb pointing up at God!) Great advice, I nodded a lot, but never really applied it.
Fast forward to last January, which is our family's new way of dividing time. Before 8:30, things were relatively normal. After, nothing has been the same. Tears, shame, fear, stress...the whole package. It has been a very long and difficult journey.
At one point I realized I needed to focus on the things I actually can control. My work, my health, my relationships...these are areas of my life I can, if I set my mind to it, use to create positive energy. Ups and downs, but a slight uphill climb. Spiritualty has claimed a bigger spot in my life, and I am somewhat less judgemental. Case in point:
Last December, the son of one of my neighbours, with whom I have a good relationship, got into a stolen car with some friends. The driver had no permit, but no biggie. They had a very bad car crash, and he bore the brunt, requiring time in the hospital, physio, and most likely permanent damage. Because they're a party family and the kid is a bit lost in life, it was easy to assign blame, pass judgement, etc. It feels so raw, so powerful to sit on a throne and dissect the foibles of others, all the while conveniently ignring the fact that I would gladly have done the same at his age, and actually did.
After what happened to my family, I don't feel so much like I'm on a high horse. I don't feel like I'm on any horse at all. And so I picked up the phone, called my neighbour, and wished her son a speedy recovery.
If this entire experience can help make me a better person, then there will have been some meaning in it. This too, I can control.