Over the past several years I've had many situations in my life that have added up to the reasons why I want to get this weight off. One of those defining moments came yesterday in the shape of me huffing and puffing my way through a high school graduation. The graduation was held in a convention center, and the parking area is located in the back. Due to the size of the graduating class, there were a TON of people in attendance, so there were policeman out directing traffic and also showing people where they should park. Unfortunately, I ended up having to park a long distance away from the convention center. When you weigh 340 pounds, even a short distance seems like it is 100 miles. I sat in my car for a few minutes, looking at that convention center and thinking, "I'll be a sweaty mess by the time I get there. What if I can't make it? What if I have to stop several times and rest before I get there?" My two (tall and skinny) teenage sons were with me, which made the situation even worse because I didn't want to embarrass them by having them stop every so often in order for me to catch my breath (and keep my heart from exploding).
We set out on our trek to the convention center, and by the time we arrived there I was (as feared) a sweaty mess and my feet and back were throbbing. When our extended family members arrived, I was too embarrassed to hug them, because I didn't want to get sweat on their pretty clothes. As we made our way to the bleachers, many people stared at me, as usual, which didn't help my feelings at all. And, of course, our family members all wanted to sit on the top row. I didn't say anything as I looked up at the mountain of stairs, and somehow I made it to the top, but by the time we all sat down, I was done for... finished...I couldn't take anymore. I spent three hours fanning myself with a flimsy program flyer, and by the time I finally started to cool off and stop my heart from racing, the graduation was over and it was time to leave.
Here we go again. Another long trek back to the car. A couple of times my youngest son, who is 14 years old, asked me, "Mom, are you sure you're okay?" when I had trouble catching my breath. It was humiliating and it filled me with more shame than I can ever describe. My children don't deserve this. They deserve a mom who can keep up with them. They deserve a mom who is healthy, happy, and able to participate in LIFE with them - not someone who is always sitting on the sidelines and unable to do things because of her obesity.
When we got back home, I locked myself away from the world and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I didn't want anyone to see me. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and truly humiliated over letting my weight get so out of control. BUT...it also made my resolve to get the weight off even stronger. I spent the rest of the day working on a healthy eating menu and exercise regime for the upcoming week. I don't want anymore days like yesterday. I want happier days and new beginnings. I want to smile and feel as if I can conquer any distance, no matter how big or small.
I want my life back.