My 19 year old daughter said something quite telling this morning and didn't even relize it. She and her boyfriend (whom I don't particularily care for, but that's another story) are going to an amusement park today. I asked her what time he was picking her up, and she replied, "Im driving to his house. I know he should be picking me up, but he has to work tomorrow, so I'm driving there." She sees the look on my face, as I know she works tomorrow too, and attempts to defend him. "Seriously mom, I'm lucky he's even taking me at all." I look at my daughter, who is stunning inside and out, and I respond, "Oh no honey, you have that backwards, he's lucky you're letting him take you anywhere." I recieve the eye roll. She's 19 and doesn't know yet her true value.
It's 20 minutes later and I'm on my way to the gym in my fat clothes for only the second or third time this year. What a loser. No make-up, frumpie hair in a pony tail, my belly bounces with every bump in the road, along with my confidence. Do I really want anybody to even see me like this? Actually, do I really even want anybody to see me, period? I'm comtemplating the .2 pounds my scale says I lost yesterday. It obviously doesn't see the candy I passed up, the pasta I didn't eat, or the cookies I left in their package. The scale just doesn't understand my struggle . . . then the lightbulb comes on over my head. Anyone driving by would have seen it, I'm sure of it.
I think of all the messages I send to myself every day. You know, the ones I just told myself in the paragraph above. I start in on myself each morning and don't quit all day long. They are lies! All of them! No different than the one my daughter was feeding herself this morning. And I realize, I have it backwards too. It's all in ones perspecitve. So I rethink it.
I'm going to the gym this morning! Got on my workout clothes, hair is up and out of my way; got my music and I'm going to get my sweat on! I'm changing my body one step at a time, one choice at a time and you know what? I'm pretty proud of myself. The transformation that is taking place is on the inside, with the outside being a reflection of the process that is occuring in ME, for ME and by ME. Because I'm not going to believe my own bad press any more. I'm editing the tapes in my head and cutting the negitive parts out. I am enough, right now, the way I am. I choose to change today, because I love me, not because others don't. And I like that. : )