When I'm sad, or tired, or bored, I eat! I'm a bit of a health nut, so my worst indulgence is Peanut Butter (OMG...just the word makes me crave it!). But, for some time, I had someway or another convinced myself that as long as I was eating only things that I deemed healthy that I wouldn't gain any weight because it was good for me. Boy, did that one hurt my progress....
I'd heard it over and over but didn't really get what it mean. Quality Over Quantity. I've always been a snacky person so I like to eat little bits throughout the day, but there's a difference between set out snacks and mindless munching. Soon, it just felt like there was no line. No start or end to any meal. Slowly, my caloric and body image obsessions were running my life. Bouncing between anorexia and bingeing, I did eventually seek professional counselling, and while I am still struggling day to day with these things, they're more controlled.
It was almost like I needed someone to go through all my thoughts with me. The thoughts I had were like a 1000-point dot-to-dot in my mind, but all the dots were connected to each other! And she (My forever indebted to counsellor) helped me follow the numbers, one after the other, instead of juming from 6 to 42 to 888, and back down to 4!! But, she traveled it with me. Now, I take the same route every day, but because I'm riding solo, it's a whole new experience.
The best way for me to explain the complexity of an eating disorder is like this: It's like someone who smokes. If you're a smoker, you know it's not good for you. You make excuses not to quit. It eases your anxiety. You know how hard it is to quit, and even after trying over and over and OVER again, there's always a part of you that says you will. So, when you finally do, whether it's gradual or cold turkey, you eventually just stop. And it's hard, and it sucks, but you're so proud when you do, but almost sub-conciously looking for a stressor to throw you off the wagon!
With EDs, you know it's not good for you. You make excuses for it, because it makes sense to you. It eases your anxiety, because it's the only thing you feel like you have total control over. Even if you want to stop, and you're 100% ready, imagine deciding to quit smoking, but still have to have half a cigarette every day. The body needs to eat. You can't just stop eating cold turkey. And you can't eat too little. And you cant eat too much. It's very confusing!!
The key to life? Don't give up! On ANYTHING you want to do. I know, it's hard, but I can do it!