Can we all just pause for a second and admit that this "compliment" is pure and total BS? Since I can remember, I've been told that by family, friends, and even total strangers (FOR REAL). Like it doesn't matter how great my personality is, how successful I am in achieving my other life goals, how many organizations I volunteer for, or what kind of person I am, all that anyone sees is my large body and pretty, painted-on face.
A few years ago, a group of my friends and I had a few too many drinks on Football Sunday, and one of my friends made a comment about how if I was skinny, I would literally "be the perfect woman". She obviously prefaced it with "Don't take this the wrong way..." because she knew what a BS, roundabout way that was of telling me I'm not good enough physically. At the time I didn't take it offensively, but as the years went on, I realized how hurtful these kinds of comments are/can be. For years, I subconsciously used these kinds of comments and rebelled against them. "Screw them," I would think to myself, as I slowly but surely put on the pounds in rebellion proving that I could be successful and happy despite my weight. However, my rebellion backfired. Right now, I am at the point where my weight has become a severe health issue. I found out 2 years ago that I am pre-diabetic, I have an inflammatory disease, and overall feel like complete and utter garbage. Today, I officially weigh the most I have ever weighed in my entire life.
Outwardly, I am the happiest I have ever been. I have a great career which I love doing and allows me to lead a somewhat extravagant lifestyle. I have an incredibly loving and supportive family which I can lean on for anything. My friends are some of the best people I know and encourage me in every facet of my life. I live in the best city in the country, and constantly discover new and amazing things to love about this place.
Inwardly, I am a complete and utter a mess. No one knows the extent of my inner turmoil. I hate how I feel. I hate how I look. I avoid full-body mirrors to avoid seeing how far I have let myself go. I paint my face with excessive amounts of makeup to try and hide the layers of fat over my once defined jawline. My health is suffering, both mentally and physically. I constantly blame my weight on not being able to find a good man, when in reality, it's the constant secret self-hate that is causing me to push good relationships away. It's time to make a change. I literally cannot imagine going on any further living in this quiet, self-induced hell.
I'm tired of being told I have "such a pretty face." I am sick of upgrading to Business Class on work trips out of my own pocket because I am scared of the seatbelts in economy not fitting on airplanes. I am so over dating and meeting a guy online, only to have him ghost after we meet and he sees me physically. I am done using food as my emotional crutch: an old, reliable friend who always makes me feel better in the moment. I am literally addicted to food, and have reached a point where the pain of not losing the weight is worse than the pain and sacrifice of a clean, healthy diet and regular exercise.
Every time I have embarked on weight loss journeys in the past, it was always for someone else. I wanted to be skinnier so my boyfriends wouldn't leave me. I wanted to drop pounds before my sister's wedding so that I would look good in a dress. I would starve myself so that I wouldn't look like the "prettiest plus size model," an actual quote from an ex-boyfriend of mine.
This time, this is for me. This is for all of the anxiety that comes along with being overweight. This is for outwardly saying I love my life, and inwardly actually meaning it. This is for stopping hurting my family and friends with my actions, because I am secretly engaging in negative self-sabotage. This is for feeling young and feeling free in my own body, instead of like a prisoner. This time, it's about discipline, it's about self-love, it's about expressing and loving who I am inside.
This girl is on fire.