At the worst of it I no longer wanted to be fat and I no longer wanted to be skinny either, I felt evicted from Life. I hated myself.  At the start of the road back I just tried to believe the people who said that things would get better, I would lose the weight, I could get stronger, if I gave it time. And, I started walking, and walking and walking. Some of the time my legs hurt and I have leg cramps, I read somewhere to put a bar of soap between the mattress and my sheet a the bottom of the bed and it would help the leg cramps. And I kept walking, some days I hit the goal, some days I don't, leg cramps seem to be better, I drink a lot of water and I pee a lot.  But I'm still walking. Little by little, I have found the beat again, I have found the joy again in eating without guilt. I am back to being grateful, for my life, for my body.  I came back to it the way folks come back to a summer cottage after a long winter, checking first to make sure nothing has been stolen or broken during the cold season. Nothing had been. It is still all there, still all whole. Once the pipes were thawed out and the electricity was turned back on, everything seems to be working fine.  I am still a long ways from goal, but I have turned the corner, I no longer live to eat, but I eat to live. It really comes down to just two choices, get busy living, or get busy dying. I choose living, keep walking.