As I packed on Sunday night to journey to Nebraska, back home to my family, I thought forward to the month ahead as I come down the home stretch towards my weight loss goal, both for this competition and for the entire year. This month, from 12/16 - 1/16, is just a small part of a journey, inward and outward, over the last year, but such a powerful month to be sure.
When I started this journey this past February, I knew I was taking on 6 months of change. I did not realize I was actually starting myself down a path of such long perspective that it would take me down a ONE YEAR path to a healthy weight. Even more imporantly, I didn't realize that such a long term perspective would facilitate such self-forgiveness and such equanimity in the face of all the ups and downs.
I had declared at the beginning, and I think that was a big help, that I knew there would be ups and downs and that I would see them as all part of a longer story. I even wrote in one of my first entries that I knew there would be times of indulgence and times of "cleaning out the house," there would be nights of wine and sweets flowing and there would be days of delicious teas & a plant-based diet. I expanded my view to include all of these moments, and the "new normal" became the averaging of all of these times instead of a diet that I was on or off. Even my "lifestyle" or program of exercise and eating became more responsive and less regimented. As I combined with with daily meditation, I was able to really engage in the movement and the food that was responding to what my body wanted instead of the mind's craving. That's not to say that cravings went away altogether - of course! But cravings and satiating those cravings were no longer fuel for beating myself up. I didn't have to prevent these moments from happening. And pleasure in all of it - a week of juicing, debaucherous parties, and the neutral day in day out of delicious salads and whole grains. It became like loving every flower in the garden.
I've been so grateful for the chance to do inner and outer witnessing. Meditation has been invaluable, but so has the accountability practices of tracking what I eat (sometimes loosely or skipping a day) and how I exercise. The tracking of these things with a seeing them just as what is or as a source of satisfaction and never as a source of not good enough has been so supportive of this journey.
When I came home for Thanksgiving, tracking was off, meditation was somewhat in place, exercise was negligable, and I was just swimming in delicious wonderfulness everywhere I went. The miracle of this time, though, was that I could enjoy all these treats and not beat myself up about any of it - not the lack of tracking, not the indulgence, not the weight gain. And this was all possible because I knew it was all part of a year-long journey, that I could enjoy these moments and also enjoy the thrill of losing those few pounds again and continuing my "three steps forward, one step back" shuffle style towards health and wellness.
SO - this month, the holidays will be different for me than they ever have before. In the past has been a predictable pattern of indulging and self-beratement, often in the moment or just after the moment or the morning after the wine or the chocolate or the second helping. In the past, I was either on a plan or not on a plan, on a diet or not on a diet. Or then there were the years that I decided to rely on "what my body wanted," but that really was what I was craving and not what was responsive to a much deeper voice within. Now that my meditation practice and my work in shifting from scarcity to sufficiency and radical abundance is really cooking, I know the difference in the taste of "what my body wants" compared to "how I want to distract myself or somehow escape from this unpleasant emotional experience." The combination of mindfulness practice, meditation, internal compass checking, and (don't forget!) tracking the wonderful food and exercise I enjoy will allow me this holiday season to care for my body, celebrate my body, and take huge and deep delight in the weight I continue to let go of, both literally and figuratively.
Last of all, I want to bow to the tool of levity as part of long-term perspective.
There is always a paradox with self improvement endeavors that I both must play with my whole heart, but that I must also see how in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters at all. (After all, the longest term perspective is that this body is on its way out! We can love gravity, but we can't leave it.) This balance helps the endeavor be play instead of work, and whole-hearted instead of half-assed. Curiosity, a sense of humor, and not taking myself too seriously are imperative to my meditation practice, and any wellness practice I take on. Without them, I not only rob myself of the joy of the journey, I also rob myself of enjoying the fruits of my labors as the next prize I'm chasing appears again and again in a cycle of not-enoughness.
This journey is a journey of enough. If I never lose another pound, if I never get to eat another Christmas cookie, if I never receive another compliment, it is already enough and _I_ am already enough. Out of this enoughness, the ball field is set: I can play to see what is possible.
Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season, enjoyment of every step, every spoonful, and every moment with loved ones.