I am fairly new to diet bet having joined my first one in February. As I was finishing up that bet (winner winner chicken dinner....literally) I got news that my 90 year old Mom had died. I probably should have taken a month off before starting a new bet but I really didn't want anything to throw me off of my resolve to shed some pounds, and also, to be honest I think I was just still in "life must go on" mode. The thing that has been the hardest for me, and the reason I am writing it down for strangers to read, is that ours was not a typical mother/daughter relationship. My Mom has always been "difficult" to say the least....and she did not mellow with age. The past years had been very very hard as I tried to carve out some sort of relationship with her, knowing that her days were drawing to a close and I would have to live with my feelings after she was gone. I didn't always do this well but I was trying.
Initially, I felt nothing at all when I heard the news. I had been preparing myself mentally and, other than the shock of the suddeness of it all, I did pretty well for the first few days. Eventually sadness has crept in, which to be honest is a relief in some ways (I DO have a heart!).
Thankfully, I learned a long time ago that the best way to deal with my feelings is through exercise. Over the past few weeks I have walked a lot, either outdoors or in the mall, in order to put my grief somewhere. I did decide though that I would let myself enjoy a few glasses of wine in the evening, just for a week. So, after the work day, when I was faced with my co-worker's well intentioned condolences, I would settle in with my family who understand what my grief is REALLY about. I believe my mom suffered from a personality disorder and was really not capable of having normal relationships. This is hard to live with but it does help me a little to think that she really couldn't help it. There was much to be admired about her but her parenting skills were not on that list. Of course you can't really write that on the usual eulogy.
Over the past few days I have been reading posts and blogs to get my head back into the "game". I'm not going to stress too much if I'm not successful just now. I also know that I will feel better overall with a few pounds off of my body so I'm going to try to hold on to that. I know that in time this sadness will diminish. Peace will eventually take over....I will wait for it.