Hello! My name is Casey. This blog post is one that doesnt directly pertain to weight loss, but it all ties together. These words have been sitting in my head for the better part of a year now and I just haven't found quite the righ place to write and publish them. But, within this community, I have found an abundance of support and commradory.
On January 21, 2016, my Aunt died. She was my second mom, a friend, a babysitter, a sometimes bank, a medical advice person, and most of all, a friend. If you ask me the worst day of my life, that would be it. Of my 31 years up to that point, she had been in all my memories. From a baby, to me having my own baby, she was there. She never had children, and I was basically her child. I lived with a ton of resentmentment being the "favorite". And you know what, I'm ok with that. I can live with it. I'm glad I was. She taught me so many valuable things in this life. And also alot of random thngs.
The day she died, I died a little too. We often don't realize how little time we have with the people in our lives. She tried to tell me she was tired and ready to go. I dismissed it because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I dismissed her felings about missing my Uncle who had passed a few years before, because I still needed her here. I tried to make light of things. Because I was selfish. How stupid I was being! I realize that now. In her last months, I was so selfish, I spent too little time with her. I should have sat there longer and not have been in that big of a hurry. But, hey we all get into hurries right? We work all day and can't wait to get home because we have dinner to make, homework to help our kids with, laundry to wash. Excuses all day. So, yes, that day, I died a little. It took that day to realize what the importnat thngs in life really are. I cried myself to sleep for weeks, woke up every morning and layed in bed and cried before I would go get my child up.
That day would start a year long down spiral. One that would make me completely lost.
On November 1, 2016, my boyfriend of almost 4 years was suppose to move in. Instead, he told me he wanted out. Another punch in the gut. After my Aunt passed, I put so much into trying to make him happy and turn myself into the person that I thought he would want to marry. Stupid right? Yep. By the time he left me, I couldn't even begin to find a trace of the perosn I used to be. Within the time frame of that relationship, I lost contact with some friends that were dear to me, I lost contact with the real me. I tried to be a perfect person for someone by their standards. My relationship with my child started to slip.
So, its safe to say that by the end of 2016, I was praying for 2017 and a fresh start. In the prior years, I had always struggled with weight. Now, this is where the two people above played active roles in my weight. When I was younger, my Aunt would take me to Weight Watchers meetings. They didnt work for me. Whenever I had started a "diet" in the past 4 years, the boyfriend would always start off super supportive. Then without fail, I had to bend my goals to accomodate him. He refused to eat chicken. So, when I cooked, I cooked ground beef or steak or fried seafood. If I did cook a healthy meal, he would go in the kitchen afterward and eat again. So, my commitment to improve myself would waver and I would go back to eating out with him or cooking his meals. He would exercise with me for a couple weeks, then it would become a hardship for him. He thought that my weekends belonged to him. During the summer, we were always on the go.
Okay, so at this point, it seems like I'm blaming him for all my weight loss failures. I'm not. It was my decision to let him influence me. I could have said no. But I wanted to be the perfect girl so that he would propose. He didn't. Haha. Foolish me. I thought that if I stopped being selfish, like I had been in the beginning of the year, and give myslef completely to another, maybe I could counteract some of those feelings. Well let me tell you, it doesn't work.
Fast forward to 2017. It took me battling with myself for the first half of the year to start to find myself. I was beginning to eat myself into oblivion. I was trying to learn how to live being alone again. And while I was healing my heart a little, I was treating my body like crap. On June 5, I said enough!
In just a short 49 days, I have started to undo the past 4 years of self doubt and the last year of pain. I started with my health and my body. Those are the two things that I have complete control over. I needed a feeling of control. I control my food, my exercise, how I feel during the day. And guess what? The better I feel, the more energy I have to play with my kid. I coached softball again this summer and could actually run with the girls! What a feeling!! And guess what else else happens when you treat your body with repect?? Your mind starts to clear up too. I started to see peeks of who I was before. I called up my old friend, who welcomed me with open arms. What a blessing! I know that it will take a while to completely recover who I was before. However, I know that that whole person won't come back. Things have happned in my life that have changed me as a person. But it's because of me, not because I'm intentionally changing for someone else. I'm older now, I'm wiser. I'm more patient. I'm not as selfish. But I'm also not living for someone else. I have an 8 year old. I love spending time with her. I also love spending time with myself. I have no problem sending her with her grandparents so I can go to the gym. We all need our alone time. Other wise, lets admit it, we'd want to hurt our children! LOL
I feel as if I've ranted, but if you've stuck with me through my story, my point is, you'd be absolutely amazed at what effect taking care of your body has on your mind and the rest of your life. I have decided that it is time to take care of me, so that I can be a great Mom, daughter, and friend. Change your outlook and you can change your life!