I consider myself a lifetime fat person, I think people started commenting on my weight since around 10-11 years old, I remember comparing the size of my thighs to my best friend's and feeling gross, imagining what it would be if I could just cut off the excess fat in my butt and legs so I could have a little skinny body like my friends.
Since then I have been up and down, my down was using cocaine in highschool and wearing size 6 jeans, getting attention from guys and wearing a size small t-shirt. feeling sexy and dangerous. My up being 280 lbs, going to the grocery store and only buying junk food in my first solo-apartment. Occasionally throwing up after a good binge, then eating even more junk.
Today, I am 33, 265 pounds (actually I weighed in at 268 this morning, but I want to think it's a little bloating). I can't look at myself in the mirror. I always offer to take the picture, I never want to be in it. I look at my sweet, thin boyfriend and think: You are crazy for loving me. I wake up trying to guess how much I'm going to weigh, since I feel like I gain weight like crazy, lose weight like a snail.
A few people around me have recently undergone gastric bypass surgery and I just see them and feel so happy for them, you can notice their faces change as the weight comes off, they dress like they're trying to call attention to themselves, not trying to blend into the background anymore, they are doing activities, they go to the beach and show off their legs.
Some days I consider surgery as the only option that will save me. But I'm still on the fence. As a person who loves food as much as I do, could I take not being able to eat everything I want to? Or is this just my fat brain trying to survive? On the cons side Surgery would leave me with a lot of excess skin I wouldn't know how I would react to, how my partner would react to. Also, I haven't had any kids yet, and it's scary to think of what surgery would do to my body in that aspect, since it's something i would love to do sooner than later.
Other days I feel less terrible about myself and I feel that if I set a weight loss goal of about 40-60 lbs I would actually look and feel good. People like Ashley Graham have given me a little hope in that curvy women aren't horrible to look at, and I feel that with a little effort I could be comfortable with a plus size body that somehow resembled that, away from the morbidly obese zone of the scale. But dieting and exercising seem so impossible lately. My brain is againts me.
I'm unusally good at making up excuses for not going to the gym before or after work (I need to go to the grocery store, I miss my bf and want to get home to him, I need to prepare meals for the week, etc. etc) and of course for snacking, drinking, having pizza instead of cooking, forgetting my lunch at home...you get the idea.
I joined diet bet as a test. I want to be sure that I can or can't lose the weight. If I commit to myself, if I'm honest with myself and make an effort for a month and lose that 4% that would mean I keep going, reach the 40 lb mark, and reevaluate my goal. If I can't then I think I'm going to give more serious thought to getting surgery, simply because I don't want this to be my life anymore. I want to live it, I don't want to pretend to be happy when inside I'm torturing myself.
Either path requires me to make drastic changes to my life.
I'm trying desperately to not psych myself out of this one, trying to be positive, trying to find it in myself to not self sabotage this time.
I hope you guys are all staying healthy and most importantly, happy.