There are two things that scare me most about my weight loss journey. One is creating a new identity for myself because for so long I was the fat chick and I could wear that identiy well. It helped me to cope with who I was and the process I went through to get to my fat girl me and when I looked around I could see other fat chicks like me and other skinny bitches and rher was a difference that I could understand. Now that I've lost so much weight I now have to create my new identity. And when before there was two categories I struggle to create the one that fits me, because I am no longer the fat chick but I dont feel like the skinny bitch either. So when I look in the mirror I don't see the person I want to see yet but every day I work on it. And someday soon I hope to see me looking back and not just the shell I wear or the shell I hide behind so you can't hurt the real me. The fat chick was hiding because it was easier, because then I wasn't seen. The skinny girl in me is stronger then I ws before and is fighting to be me.
The second thing that scares me is thw lose skin. I came from a place of 310 lbs and now I've lost 110 lbs and I still have more to lose. I know their are surgies that can help for that but ny skin has always scared easy and it leaves a permanat road map of my journey on my body. So i know that having surgery to remove the excessive skin will leave me scared yet again. It is the reason I would never get a c-section when I was pregnant. I know part of it is vanity but I'm on the journey to both be healthy, feel better about myself and to look good. So the kind of scar thst would help me not look like a sharpei dog would mark me yet again.
But no matter how scary this journey is I will follow it to the end. I have discussed with my hubby the possibility of having the skin removed if I can maintain my goal weight for one year. I will worry later about the cost and worry now about getting there.
Thank you for reading my midnight ramblings and my mispelled words that I am typing up on my tiny phone screen. I find thr taping of the keys helps me free my soul and help me sleep. So good night and thank you.