I never thought of myself as an emotional eater until today.
Stressed, pissed, and feeling alone my first reaction was let me go eat some Taco Bell(my fast food crack of choice).
I think I have mentioned in previous blogs how I am a nanny for my nephew. In May I relocated from IA to Hawaii, I know this sounds magical but it is proving not so magical. A few years prior I moved from my hometown in NC to IA to start a life on my own where people didn't know me, my family, or refer to me as 'Jessica's sister'(it is sucky when people only seem to know you because they know your sibling but do not really know you).
Moving to IA was hard I lived with horrible roommates, didnt have a job for 4 months, didn't have a car, and knew only my friend and her husband. I had been stuck in a lower management retail job for a few years and I was over it so I worked and put myself out there to get anything but a retail job. After a bazillion calls, no returned calls, and one on one interviews I received a call from a small office and was offered a Customer Service position. It had everything I prayed for and put myself out there for(I miss my co-workers and friends so much). Everything changed for me then because I wasn't 'Jessica's sister' I was Melissa a silly, sarcastic, hardworking, and adventureous lady. I made friendships that I plan to keep even though I am several time zones away.
One of the best friendships I made was with a co-worker who helped me push myself physically. She had lost 80+ lbs while doing crossfit and eating a paleo based diet the year before I started at the office. I wanted a change and she and her lovely little family were always willing to include me and encourage me on my journey. She ran/walked with me on my first 5k and several other races following that(great support to do my 12 5k's in 12 months, she is still cheering for me to this day).
So after getting an awesome job, getting my own apartment far away from crazies and in the city, getting a car, becoming more physically fit, being known as ME, and living in a pretty awesome city, my sister got preggers. On top of that her husband(who I sort of get along with) was sent to Hawaii and would find out 6 months later he would be deploying to afghanistan right after and possiby before the birth of their first baby. When someone who you both dont equally see eye to eye askes you to move to an island to help raise their kid and you would be paid the same as what you get paid at your desk job. Oh yeah and you would get free rent while you lived there. You tend to jump at that opportunity.
Single, turning 30, no kids, no spouse or prospects(a crush who thinks I am his best bud), no property, and a car that was used and very sellable I said sign me up. But what I didn't think about was I was going to become 'Jessica's sister' again and that living on an island with 1 million inhabitants and majority of them are some sort of military I was going to again feel alone and limited.
The incident that set me off wasn't big but it was just enough when I was already feeling lonely without any good friends close by, a sibling who is a new mom and skypes with deployed spouse 2 times a day plus i.m. messages, and have been staying close to the house a lot. Living with military people and you aren't military is a challenge. When you aren't military you may get on base with an I.D. holding service member or dependent. However depending on the base or post only I.D. holders are allowed in specific places like the commissary and PX, NEX, BX. Today we sat through yet another long line of traffic to get on an air force base to go to one of the above mentioned places. On the army base I can enter all of those places because I have a visitors card but on non army locations I am not allowed in those locations. Before heading to go inside the store I made a point to say 'will they allow me in here' because I wasn't able to to get into the NEX so why would I be allowed in this place. I was told 'nah you should be fine'. As we walk up to the building there is a sign that says NO GUESTS huge on the wall and which 'I was like I told you I can't get in'. Then I was told 'we will see if they will let you in'. So not only do I go in get told I can't be in the store but I turn around and sit in the car on a 90 degree day while my nephew and sister were inside for 45+ minutes.
Yup this seems like something small but it was embarassing and hurtful that I was treated like 'op can't come in, oh well let me finish my shopping'(we pitty called from the store to ask if I wanted anything). So after getting back home and putting away groceries, that I wasn't even allowed to go inside and pick out, I was done. My mom calls and I tell her what happened then I get told don't be upset/angry. Ok. Thank you for adding to my need to find something that makes me feel better because obviously you aren't making me feel better mom. Off to find comfort food I go, it sucked though because it wasn't very comforting and I still feel blah.
After driving around for a couple of hours I chilled out enough to go back home but I still don't feel great. One of the many things I am working on, besides my weight, is contentment. Happiness fades but contentment lasts. I need to unite other emotional eaters and maybe become emotional runners. haha. Well maybe more like emotional kickboxes at least we could sweat the crap out physically and mentally.
Keeping it moving was hard today but tomorrow I will keep it moving with a better attitude.