The difference between giving up Dieting and giving up Trying

So around the end of march I gave up dieting.  I think this was a good decision, as at the time i was so deep in my ED i could barely think straight.  I focused hard on just eating what my body wanted, on getting rid of restrictions, and abandoning my rules. I was trying to eat intuitively.  I had some success with this.  But somewhere around june, not haveing restrictions lapsed into a free for all. I would get a thought about candy, and that meant i went and bought candy, and then ate the candy.  This would not be considered intuitive eating by most experts.

The funny thing is, even though I consumed more 12 oz bags or reese's than i can count, i still think this was a good thing. prior to giving up dieting, i would consume a 12 oz bag of candy plus a family size bag of chips in one evening.  In june, it would take me 2 or 3 days (alright. usually 2 days) to get through the bag. and i would go bit by bit, instead of one large, almost hysterical, painful binge. 

I got to the point where i was simply eating candy all the time because i could. I was enjoying it.

But I got heavy, as you'd probably expect, and I've also grown tired of the candy. while i only gained maybe 5 lbs between march and june, I gained 15 lbs in the last 2 months (my free for all months). 

So here I am, back on dietbet.  As much as possible i am going to avoid counting calories. The numbers play with my mind and I reflexively think 'less is better' which is ultimately a hurtful message to me.  I just want to get back to eating healthier and being an athlete.  Given my history with an ED, I know which foods are healthy and rabbit like - and counting calories will likely happen reflexively in some instnaces. Im ok with this, but I will also try my best, as often as I can, to resist the urge. 

My goal here is to become less heavy.  At one point in the not too distant past I was energetic  and light on my feet. I dont have to push hard or go too far to rediscover that girl. I have the muscle, I am lucky to have an active job, and I have access to lots of fresh fruit and vegetables.  I also just ordered so many protein shakes and am trying protein powder for the first time.  GUYS. I love my protein.

So Im ready to try again.  And Im proud of myself because for the last 2 days I've eaten healthy. because it matters to some people, i will say that they havent been perfectly healthy days. Yesterday started off with chips, and today ended which too many lindt truffles. But I spent most of the day trying to be healthy, and thats what matters to me.  As long as you keep trying and keep being kind to yourself on this journey I believe it will all work out.

In closing, Im approaching this far differently than last time. Last time I was restricting and punishin my body for being fat and out of control. I was unkind to myself. this time I would like to be kind to my body. I can show it kindness by eating enough food that it doesnt starve, respecting when it tells me it is hungry, feeding it nourishing freshly grown food, and then kicking its ass in the exercise realm so i get nice and strong :) 

Now. Im off to sleep so that I can wake up tomorrow and run!  Cheers Y'all.