In 1987, the world got a little cooler - I was born! (LOL - joking, I'm not really that confident!)
I was born to my wonderful mom Angel and my dad Donnie. My mom was 24, my dad 18. A few drunken nights created me - yes, I was THAT kind of accident. My dad was around for a few months and then bailed. My mom was totally prepared (not really at all - thank goodness for my grandmother) to raise me on her own.
When I was 4, my mom and I moved into a house with her partner, Barb. Yes, my mom is gay. (It's not that serious - take a breath.) I knew that my life was different - I had two moms instead of a mom and a dad, but it was cool. Barb loved me, my mom loved me - I had what I needed. We lived in a VERY small town so I think pretty much all my friends parents were well-aware of my mom's relationship with Barb, but to my friends I called her "Aunt Barb". It just helped avoid questions and I was young and didn't really know how to answer. When I was in 5th grade, someone came to school (after being informed by a family member) and told everyone that my mom was gay and "Aunt Barb" was my mom's girlfriend. "EWWWWW" "She's a dyke." etc. is what I heard over and over for months. Some of my friends didn't want to be my friend anymore. Some of my friends' parents didn't want them to be my friend anymore. And a few (who didn't care nor did their parents) stayed my friends and liked me anyway. I turned into a HOT MESS! I started sneaking food into my bedroom, I would go stay at my aunt/cousins and sneak food from them (let me tell you - they kept little debbie's in the fridge and cold fudge rounds are the bomb.com). I started overeating and the binge/purge stage started. Thank GOD for my teachers - they helped me turn to books and writing and I would spend my free time working in the special ed. classrooms assisting or reading in the library rather than in the classroom or at recess. Time went on and as same-sex couples became more accepted the teasing stopped. Even in high school there were still those "mean girls" who would make comments and be nasty, but I just blame ignorance as some of those same girls are now supportive of same-sex couples. People grow up and change, I'm glad!
In Junior High, I really wanted to meet my dad. I stayed with friends and realized that having a dad was a really cool thing as I watched them with their dads. My mom reached out to my dad, and he just didn't really have an interest. My heart was broken and I didn't understand why I wasn't good enough for my dad to love me. I was always tall (until late junior high when all the boys grew!) and heavy (...thick?). I developed early (started my period at age 10 - yes this freaks me out because my daughter is 9!!!!) and was just a big girl. Was it because I was big that my dad didn't want me? Did she show him a picture?! HOW do I get a man to love me?? Especially such an important man!! This was something that I struggled to figure out for quite a while ... how do I get positive attention, love, happiness with a guy? I didn't have any male relationships that helped me learn what is appropriate and what wasn't. I went on Spring Break with my best friend in 8th grade to Florida - she and I lost our virginity (I don't really get the "lost" thing - you KNOW where it went) that trip - to sophomore boys from Illinois. He seemed to really care about me!! YES! I had found the secret to making guys LOVE ME!!! (FALSE!!!!!!!!!!)
My freshman year of high school was straight up HELL. I got involved in the wrong crowd, with the wrong boy, and was a mess. I was in abusive - physically and emotionally - relationships and needed to get out. I lied, I snuck food, I snuck out, I was hanging out with terrible people, my weight was at an all time low because I would NOT eat and what I HAD to eat I forced myself to throw up later! I passed out several times but it was fine - I was SKINNY (really I still wasn't skinny!). My mom pulled me from my high school and sent me to a local one. I thought it was a fresh start!! I started eating in a healthy way and making new friends. Unfortunately living in a small area means that your past will follow you and it did. Soon, I was back to making poor choices, trying to do anything I could to get male attention and love and acceptance - when that didn't work, I would eat. I would eat a TON of junk food and no REAL food. It made me feel safe and happy when I couldn't find it anywhere else.
My junior year, I went back to the high school I started in. Things were not all that great, but I made do. I once again got involved with someone I shouldn't - much older and out of high school. I ended up getting pregnant on Easter of my junior year - yes, one time. Only one time!! The "donor" was not interested in being a dad and I wasn't really too thrilled about him being around - I became depressed, I ate way too much and gained a LOT during pregnancy. After I had my daughter in December of my senior year of high school, I did the best I could to work, finish school, and be a good mom. It was really hard and I ate through the stress.
When I was 19, I got a job at Walgreens. There was a REALLY cute pharmacy technician named John. He was 24 and I was determined to date him. After much convincing on my part, we went on a date and the rest is history. But he didn't. John and I became a couple on July 1st, 2006. We got engaged on February 9th, 2007 while celebrating my birthday in Indianapolis - on Monument Circle, and got married on February 23rd 2008. He adopted my daughter afterwards and HE is her DADDY!
After John and I got married, I was happy and didn't have to try to impress anyone anymore - the weight POURED ON! Holy cow, I just continued to gain! I ate and ate and ate - all unhealthy items. I let myself go completely. We very quickly started trying to have a baby and was not successful. We were both tested and went to several doctors and no one could find anything wrong...except for my weight. MY weight was causing us to not be able to add to our family. ME. It was ALL MY FAULT. That guilt made me eat - depressed eating, sad eating, I found an excuse to eat for everything. I was causing my husband to to have his own biological kiddo. From 2008-2014, we have been trying to have a baby - FOR 6 YEARS! We have looked into adoption (so expensive!) and are currently foster parents (so hard to let the babies go!) and it is something I still struggle with DAILY - the guilt, the shame. I am still overweight, still causing my husband to not be able to have a baby!
When I was 23, I was sick from work one day and decided that I should look for my dad on Facebook. I mean, EVERYONE has Facebook right?? I found him - and my best friend and I compared pictures of he and I to make sure we looked alike. I sent him a message as well as the woman he was in a relationship with. He didn't reply - but she did. I called her at her request and my dad was at work. She and my dad had been on and off for several years and she had known about me all along. My two half-brothers knew about me too. WAIT ... WHAT!! I was an only child! I HAD BROTHERS?!? (I dreamed of being a sister!!!) I went that night and drove to their house - 15 minutes from me! I met my dad and two teenage half brothers. I loved them instantly and wanted to make up for all those years I had missed. I tried - for about a year and a half. It didn't work out and I haven't spoken to them in a few years. I say all the time that they must not like me because I am overweight and an embarrassment. I wanted to be a great big sister...but they looked at me as a BIIIIIIIGGGGG sister. Would things have been different if I were skinnier and a better person?? I'll never know... I wish I did.
I have wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I would play school in my bedroom and it was my whole life. I would ask for school supplies for Christmas rather than toys. College took me a little longer than normal, but I was finally in the Transition to Teaching program and close to student teaching. I was at Walmart in August of 2013 and was getting some school supplies on sale. A lady behind me in line asked if I was a teacher. I very happily said No but that I would be soon! Her reply was "I thought teachers were supposed to be role models. Are you telling them it's ok to be overweight?". I went home and started looking for a big girl job - I was NOT going to teach. I was NOT going to let kids think it's ok to be unhealthy! I couldn't do that to the kids or the parents who trusted me with their kids!
I hit 300 lbs in 2013. I stopped going out with my husband and didn't want to meet his coworkers because I didn't want them to see me this way. I didn't want to make friends, I didn't want to meet new people, I wasn't worth it - they won't like me. Seriously, LOOK AT ME. (I told myself this every day!) I always watched Biggest Loser and wanted to be on there - Jillian would change my life!! Towards the end of 2013, I saw that the producers of the Biggest Loser were casting families of 4! I had family members that needed to lose weight! So I applied for us. I knew I wouldn't hear back and that was ok - at least I made a step and put myself out there. At the very end of December, I got a phone call from a Los Angeles area phone number. It was a casting producer named Holland Weathers and she wanted to chat about my application. I sat and talked/cried and she listened. She said that my family members didn't have enough to lose weight-wise but she wanted me to audition for Extreme Weight Loss and more info would come in early 2014. I waited and checked the site every day. When it opened up, I sent a video. John and my daughter filmed the video and I confessed things that they didn't know about - my secret hiding places around the house where I stashed junk food so they didn't know, the awful way I thought of myself, etc. I sent it in and waited some more. I considered going to the casting call in Chicago - it wasn't far and I didn't have anything to lose. The week before the Chicago call, I got an email from casting associate, Katie, who asked if I was planning to go to Chicago. I said I will now!! I went, I was 6th or so in line, I met some amazing people (Bob Brenner from Season 3!!!!) and made lifelong friends. I went in with the first group and was 1 of 2 in our group to get a call back. I traveled back to Chicago and did an on camera interview with Kerry and Katie (both amazing women) and was moved on to the next round. That was it. My journey stopped there. My story wasn't special, I wasn't good enough. I was devastated. After months of waiting, I failed again.
This is my story. There are parts left out because they are not something I want to share at this point. But you get the idea. I have several factors that have made me feel like a victim - I ALLOWED them to make me feel like a victim. I am stronger than that. I have made it through so many things in life and I don't have to play the victim card. I need to be stronger, move past it, and just get over it! I am letting all of that bring me down and burden me. If I just let it all go, and heal, I will absolutely be able to live a healthier, happier life!