I have lots on my mind this morning. Last night around 7pm, I was little *under* my calorie goal for the day (a rarity), and I was getting nice and sleepy. "Wonderful," I thought to myself, "I will go to bed soon, and with a little 'breathing room' in my cals today, my weight loss this week should be good."
Just a few minutes later on the couch, I was struck with a sudden thought/rationalization: "I really SHOULD eat a bedtime snack...they say it is bad to go to bed hungry, plus I don't want my calories too low, plus blah blah blah blah..."
Twenty minutes later, I had consumed an additional 600 or 700 calories that I didn't truly NEED. I am grateful that it was all healthy food and no trigger foods, but still, I blew my deficit for the day, and took in a bunch of fuel to ready myself for...what...SLEEP? I ate an apple with PB, pistachios, a chicken drumstick, and some cold roasted potatoes. I was prepping for the true ENDURANCE EVENT that is sleep. Yeah, right...really I just got a crappy night sleep (my body was too busy digesting), woke up restless today at 4am, and oh yeah, an extra pound on the scale this morning. Sigh.
But this does not have to be a tragedy; it is a learning experience. Here are some of the things I am learning from last night:
--Despite the "fun and games" aspect of DietBet, I am still dealing with my food/eating: a difficult and central issue in my life. Continual awareness is needed. I have a history of overeating, and all the mental and emotional issues that go along with that.
--Sometimes the best plan is to go to bed EARLY: I am tired anyway! The benefits are two-fold: I get more sleep (good for my health) and I eat less at night (good for my health too!)
--Netflix is a trigger for me. Reading at night or playing online is a better choice. Something about watching movies alone at night just makes me want to EAT.
They say "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing", case in point: the other day, I was poking around online reading about calories, and trying to figure out if the calorie range I am following is right for me. I stumbled on the "eat more to weigh less" movement, which basically states that most calorie websites and calculators give you TOO LOW of a calorie goal. Then, as you lose weight, you reach a point where it is hard to cut cals any lower, and then your metabolism slows down, and you have lost muscle mass along the way, and then Godzilla destroys your city, and a piano falls on you while you are walking down the street, and you end up looking "skinny-fat", and other awful, awful stuff.
So now of course my mind (my eating compulsion?) is RUNNING with this idea. "Oh, the 1600 calories that MyFitnessPal suggests for me is REALLY too low...according to these *other* online calculators, I should be eating at least 1750, and maybe as high as 2000...and should I be adding in my exercise cals, or not?" And on and on and on. I mean, eating too little calories is a REAL problem, and one I would like to steer clear of. But I think, when I look at my behavior last night, I have a tendency to use this calorie information incorrectly, and potentially as a justification for overeating.
Hell, last night after I ate a bunch of food I didn't really need before bed, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "Oh, it's not so bad; my body probably just needed a 're-feed'". Where did I get that word, "re-feed"? I think I read it online in some calorie-related message board forums...my brain basically stored that one away for later, b/c it sure makes chicken legs and potatoes before bed sound a lot more scientific, don't it? :)
Which brings me to my real question today: "how am I defining my success here on DB?" What makes a given day "successful", or what constitutes success in my DB4 (only 20 days left), or my DB6 (just starting today)? What are my real goals here?
--Balance and health. I mention on my DB profile page that my "food-plan" is: "eat real food; don't binge; don't starve". I want to live by that. I want to avoid taking in too much food, or eating late and night. I also want to avoid rigid restriction or deprivation. I want to live in that sweet spot in the middle: sane and healthy eating.
--Weight loss. My goal for this DB4 is to reach 180. My goal for DB6 is to reach 167. These are reasonable weights for my height/age/build. I have spent the last several YEARS saying, "yeah, I'm gonna lose this weight one day" again and again. But the time is NOW!
--Honesty and self-love. So far, the one thing I *have* been a consistent success with is my HONESTY. I have been logging my food honestly, even when I go over. I have shared my weight honestly on DB, even when it goes UP. And my committment going forward is to stay honest, stay aware, track accurately, and remember that even if don't reach my weight goals exactly, any time spent eating healthier and moving more is ALWAYS a success.
That being said, I still wanna SMASH through my goals!
Let's DO THIS!