OMG WTF
So I'll be going for a couple weeks and doing pretty well. Then I'll drop off for a couple weeks and undo the progress I JUST MADE. And over and over and over again. And that is how I have gained and lost the same 20 pounds for 5 years now. Sick.
I'm still almost 35 pounds less than my highest, thankfully, because I can't go there anymore. But I'm almost 90 pounds higher than the high end of where I want to be.
What I have been doing has not been working.
WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING HAS NOT BEEN WORKING.
So it's time for a rethinking of things.
I've been on meds for depression for a little while now, and I do think they have helped me do things like wake up in the morning, get out of bed and go to work. Before them, just doing that was impossibly hard. I would not care about the consequences. Staying in bed would be all that mattered. So that part, I feel like I have successfully overcome. General anxiety and mild depression, though, I have struggled for a long time with. My head feels okay, but not totally okay, right now. In the past couple months, I have had no energy, a sense of dread and I've been eating for comfort and compulsively picking my nails. I wish I could find it in me to start coping with stress in a healthy way instead of resorting to these things.
When I pick my nails down to the actual finger under there, it hurts. When it hurts, I stop. I hate hurt. But until it gets to that point, I don't even notice that I'm doing it. When I do notice, I feel like I want to stop, but I can't. And if I do stop, before I know it, I'm doing it again. It is 100% compulsion. WHY BRAIN? WHY?
So I try relaxation techniques, mainly deep breathing, and it gets me through the moment. But the anxiety is still there. Imagine having anxiety from NOT picking your nails. NORMAL behavior causes anxiety in me. BRAIN!!!!
Not eating fat and carbs also causes anxiety in me, if those things are nearby. At my house, if there is chocolate there, I have to eat it or else it will make my mind itch with nervousness. I don't know exactly what I'm afraid of -- am I terrified that someone else will eat it? Does the dread of it being there and the guilt it will inevitably cause me, make me want to get it over with sooner? Yes and yes. So if it's there, I feel like I have to mow it down ASAP. ASAP!!!
Of course the best solution for it is to not bring it in the house ever at all in the first place. Where I go wrong is when I am at the store and I have a false and fleeting sense of self control. I can get these, because who eats six orange creamsicles in one sitting? Surely not I. Wrong!
So fat and carbs, more specifically, chocolate, bread, cheese and sugar, run my life. My compulsive want of these things runs my life. My emotions come first, again. Stop it!
I was reading an article about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, because I was researching how to stop picking my nails. The article was by a psychiatrist who treats patients who are VERY badly suffering from OCD. But it said that compulsive people almost always feel guilt. They almost always feel a very strong sense of doubt. They doubt that they're worth very much of anything. It said that doubt can override even the keenest of intelligence. Even if you find an answer for your doubt, definitively, it only stays in mind for a few minutes, then it goes away like it was never even there. And you're doubty again. Yeah. These are emotions I understand.
http://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd
I put a band aid on my shortest fingernail. It's not bloody or anything, but it does hurt, and the band aid is my string around my finger reminding me that I am working to develop healthy habits.
I made an appointment for a therapist. It's on November 19. I don't expect to like her very much, but I'm going to try it out. My health insurance covers it, and I don't even care that "mental health" will be on my perma-record or whatever. I'm cashing in on this benefit.
Yesterday I called my pharmacy to see why my regular prescription had not yet been refilled, and they said that my doctor denied it. She is evil, you guys. So I called over there, and they told me I had to come in, so I went in for an appointment after work. The woman who weighed me congratulated me and asked me if I had been on a diet. I hesitated, and then I told her "Here and there." Then she took my blood pressure. I asked her if it was a little high. She enthusiastically said no, it's good. I was surprised.
Blood pressure, good? No way. Have I been dieting? Pshh, no. But maybe, just maybe, I haven't been doing as bad as I thought. Maybe there's hope!
I'm in the middle of this DietBet with my girl group. It's the most supportive, understanding group of women in the world. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need tough love or something. I got depressed and quit Facebook, and I kept snacking at nighttime, and then I quit logging onto the DietBet page. Then I felt guilty and ashamed, and I kept snacking. Then we went away to Chicago, where I did OK -- I ordered pretty well many times, and I didn't devour snacky bad food the way I could have -- but we had breakfast buffet at the hotel, and a beautiful, big steak dinner with rich desserts, and I went to a party where booze was flowing, and then Halloween candy, and then chocolate chip cookies with Oreo cookies inside, and, and, and. But you know what? Something about that trip renewed my spirit and I feel better. I really do.
My doctor said that my nails and my emotional eating/anxiety are serotonin related, and the medicine I am taking has dopamines or whatever but doesn't address serotonin or whatever. She said I should do things like exercise (YUP) and try calming herbs like valerian root and lemon balm. She said I'm young and she doesn't want to put me on a bunch of meds, and with that, I agree. I told her I am certain I have exercise induced asthma (after jogging for 2 minutes), and she had me do a breathing test which I passed, but she said if I want an inhaler I can have one. I declined. She said it's better if I just do consistent exercise than if I go all or nothing (guilty), and she said if I can just do 30 minutes, 3 times per week, consistently, I will feel better. Aaaand I know she's right. I can go pretty hard on the stationary bike without having windpipe issues, and I like doing it. I don't need to do 2 minutes of jogging anyhow. I can read better on the recumbent bike, and that makes the time go by, and my feet don't hurt as much, and I'm happy.
I've been thinking about re-joining Weight Watchers. It's so stupid -- when I had it covered by my health insurance, I was totally uninterested. Now that I'd have to pay, I'm like, well, maybe that's a good idea. I would want to do the e-Tools though, which makes tracking by phone very easy. But no, I think I will continue to use MyFitnessPal, except I need to really use it instead of logging on and not actually tracking anything. The app is really easy and there's really just no darn excuse not to use it. I like it. I love supporting other people. I'm going to do it.
Additionally, I am considering doing a low carb eating plan, as that is one of the only methods I have not yet tried, and I of course need to do something seriously differently. I am hoping that will help me decrease my addiction to sugar. I'm just hoping that it helps me get out of the habit of eating it constantly, thoughtlessly or emotionally or whenever I feel like it. And I have read that it results in a relatively decent pace of weight loss, if you follow it properly, and I think that would be motivating to keep going. My sweet husband has had success with it in the past. He did tell me, "Kerry, low carb does not mean unlimited cheese." Damn him.
My sweet and enthusiastic girlfriends in Chicago have also joined in a 6-month DietBet that started yesterday, and I will be partaking in that as well. My sister is doing it too, so I'm very excited. I have tried this in the past and failed, but this time, that's a non-option. I have REAL money on the line. I just can't let that go. So I'm going to mark my calendar to weigh in each week, and I'll be receiving a text message about it with the other girls weekly, and I'm going to put it in as part of my daily morning internet rounds to log in every single day. The real reason for the 6-monther, though, is because it's a slow enough pace (10% over 6 months) to realistically achieve, and I'm very scared of what will happen if I don't, very consciously and in a very structured way, make a real effort to move in the right direction. I can't keep gaining and I cannot keep staying the same. I feel like I've had it. So I have no room for doubt. I'm doing this. That's it.
It's so easy to be enthusiastic at first. I always have a surge of confidence in the beginning. How to keep that going? That's the trick. Wait. Stop it, brain. I have no room for doubt. I'm doing this. That's it.
But I've said that so many times before.
STOP IT!!! I have no room for doubt. I'm doing this. That's it.
Tonight I'm going for a walk when I get home from work. You know what? I get home early enough to still enjoy daylight. So that's it. I'm going for a walk.
Friday we leave for Disney. Oh my God I'm excited. I'm just thrilled. I'm going to walk so much, my Fitbit is going to blow up.
And... brand new revelation. Drake booked a trip just this afternoon for Paris! Oh my God! So that will be at the end of April, and I have five months to be so serious, and to lose enough weight to make me feel better, and to learn some more French, and to read some more books about Paris and about Parisian people, and and and and. I'm just so happy. We're staying in the same hotel we stayed at for our honeymoon, and my husband is the greatest man in the world. And we're spending two nights in Bayeux so I can see the beaches at Normandy, and I'm thrilled to the moon. It just makes me really like my life.
So. On with it!!!!!