Life happens no matter what you like. I'd like to be a photographer and model. I'd like to be able to see colors and make art. I'd like to not have to worry about money and I'd like my kids to be happy.

 

Reality is, i'm going blind. My kids are approaching teen age. I weight as much as I ever have, thanks to some really scary heart issues last year and the fear that caused me to revert to horrible habits. 

 

the reality isn't fun to look at but I'm not looking away this time. I've almost killed myself out of sheer spite, cutting off my own nose so to speak. It's time to grow up. 

 

Doctors have to be involved in this. I have to get bloodwork done and soon, and hopefully I can make this ticker of mine keep going while I try to reclaim my identity beyond self-sabotage and self-harm by food. 

 

I can't say I'm confident that I will win the dietbet. I am already facng obstacles that most definitely get me depressed. Struggling with issues at home don't help. Circumstances are not ideal this time around, not like they were last year, or the times before that when I did win my dietbet. 

 

Life goes on even though circumstances are not ideal, and it won't do anyone any good to try to put it on pause just because of that.