Growing up I thought models were beautiful and therefore to be beautiful you had to be "model" thin I thought beauty meant the ability to see and to feel our bones. I thought beauty meant perfection and being less than perfect was not enough. I didn't want to be the smart girl, I wanted to be desired and that meant I had to be beautiful and again beauty meant thin.
During my Senior year in High School my obsessive thoughts about weight and my insecurities grew out of control. Ironic but I felt at the time more in control than I had ever been. Every ounce of food weighed, every calorie counted. I did not love my body, so therefore I punished it. I denied myself food, made games and rituals around eating, became a master at hiding it all from family, friends and coworkers. Deprivation felt powerful and I felt strong.
Initially I was proud of my diagnosis. I was Anorexic, something I'd heard many models called. I joined "Pro-Ana" groups and felt for the first time accepted. On occasion I would think maybe I was thin enough but a quiet voice in my head told me I wasn't, that I was still imperfect. The threat of hospitilization and a good therapist started to help me heal. An abusive boyfriend, an overly controlling dance instructor and the pressures of life all triggered relapses. This pattern went on for several years. There was never an in between, no middle ground. It was always fast or feast, underweight or overweight.
I reached my highest weight about four years ago but this time it was different. By then I recognized "triggers". I had a child to care for and I couldn't stand the thought of him witnessing my unhealthy habits. How could I raise him into a strong, emotionally stable young man if I couldn't take care of mysef. I pushed myself to ignore the numbers on the scale and instead started working on loving myself. I removed myself from unhealthy relationships. I surrounded myself with good friends who truly accepted me for me. I started nourishing my body with food.. real food without chemicals or additives or preservatives. I became more physically active and started appreciating all that my body was capable of. Once I started loving myself the weight started dropping off. More importantly I was healthier and stronger physically and emotionally than I had ever been.
Joining DietBet was a little scary for me because there is so much focus on the scale. However, I'm getting married in May of 2015, (to the most amazing man I have ever met), and I would like to lose ten to twelve more pounds before our big day. Regardless of how this goes, should I "win" or not, I'm okay. I love myself for how I am right now and right now I am beautiful.