My Dirty Little Secret

Posted on January 9, 2015

OK, so maybe it isn't a real "dirty little secret" but it is a secret none-the-less....

Weight-loss to me is like one of those unspoken dinner topics - politics, religion, sports (just because sports talk is tedious) - you don't bring up. I never tell anyone, ANYONE, I am trying to lose weight. I can't even let the words out of my mouth. The idea of sharing that information is just too daunting. The fear it causes me is insane.

Why does this issue that so many people deal with make me want to hide and act like I know nothing about it? I can easily sum that up in one word...Judgement. Life is filled with being judged. You are judged by your clothes, hair, car, house, bags under your eyes, your spouse (or ex-spouse in my case), your dating habits (or lack of dating habits in my case), your kids behavior, the friends you keep, the friends you don't keep, how you spend your money....the list is endless.

Since I young child I have been judged by many differnt things - my grades, my attitude, my weight and I ended up becoming very self-conscitous and critical of myself. When someone judges me my defensives spring up like porqupine quills. I want to hear nothing of it. If I had the balls, I would say all the fabulous things I'm thinking, but I lack balls in many areas, so I just keep it in. So people continue to judge and I continue to listen and let the words flow through me inch by inch until I am just one full sponge of judgements and thoughts. As you can imagine it is quite the emotional burden to bear.

All of the outside comments and critiques made me decide that I don't want to nor need to be accountable to ANYONE about my weight loss. It is all mine to judge and critique myself. It's mine to do the happy dance about or to cry about. It's mine to praise and mine to curse. I own it - success, failure and in between. Why do I need people to know I am working on a healthier lifestyle? If they knew I know what would happen because I have had it happen. "Why are you eating that? Wouldn't you rather take the stairs? You're allowed to have that on a diet? Do you do Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, "insert diet here"? But you look fiiiiiiiine."

Those question, though harmless in many cases, really play on your mind when you are changing your behavior. Because one "I didn't know you could have that on a diet" turns into me saying "Should I have eaten that? Why did I cheat on my food plan? Now I'm going to gain weight. I can't do this. I am a failure. I should just eat a whole box of cookies now, because I am not good for anything." Dramatic? Maybe. Realistic for a person who struggles with weight issues. Absolutely. I don't need well meaning people playing with my fragile "weight loss" mind and influencing me or changing my thoughts about my successes. Crap, I do that too myself enough that I don't need external pressure.

So when I hear I need to be accountable to others, I have finally come to a place of acceptance knowing that I really don't need to do that. I'm accountable to me. And I can chose to be accountable to all of you on here, because you are going on the same journey I am. You know my struggle. You know my hopes, fears, wishes, desires, even if we haven't even spoke. You know that I want to change, get healthy, look better....and you all openly accept that. And as time goes on during these challenges I may share more of what I am experiencing and going through. I may not. But either way I will work on myself and keep my secret until the day comes when people see the change.

And once that happens, I hope I will be confident and strong enough to say what I feel when the make a comment. But that will come in time and I'll figure it out when I get there........

On I go.....

Jennifer

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FatBurningMachine

01/09/2015 11:22AM

Totally understand. DB keeps asking me to put my results on FB, because of more accountability, and that freaks me out. I hear a lot of fear in your words. I know in my own mind it's fear of failure. If they know what Im doing, they expect something, and what if I can't do it? What if I fail? What if I have a momentary struggle and they notice?All I can say is fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. The "What If's" are not real.The problem is if u fear judgment now, u will also fear when it is obvious you've lost weight and all the attention you get of people saying how good you look. Then you could subconsciously put it all back on to avoid the attention. You are only accountable to yourself, yes. But yourself has been know to sabotage, and forget what u really want. We all need assistance sometimes. Trainers, nutritionists, friends. There is NO shame in that. That is you facing fear, and being REAL. You want to change. Just outside your comfort zone is everything you want.

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Kirsten

01/09/2015 10:02AM

I agree with you. I think sometimes we avoid talking about it beause we're afraid our past failure will cause others to scoff at this new effort. That's a reason to talk about this effort with a tone of "Of course I'll succeed!" But I'm okay with not sharing, either.To be candid, I find people who go on about their diet and exercise as we sit chatting to be boring. On this forum, it's appropriate and helpful to share what you ate and how you exercised. At the lunch table at work, yawnsville!

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