One thing that's hard for me is that a most of the time, my overeating is just eating a larger portion than I need or eating when I'm not really hungry, not something more obvious like eating a bag of Oreos. So it's a bit sneakier: why did I feel compelled to have a large bowl of ice cream instead of having a small bowl? Why did I have seconds of the pasta salad even though I wasn't really hungry? Why have I been snacking on hummus and carrots all afternoon?
The God/prayer stuff is definitely getting to me a little bit as I read the OA materials. I'm one of those "spiritual, not religious" people and while I am open to the idea of some sort of higher power, I don't believe in a Father God type of figure like in the Bible, and I'm more of a meditative person than a prayer person.
I've attended liberal Quaker meetings for over 20 years, where the concept of God comes from the idea of "that of God in everyone," or your "inner Light." I have always felt that you just need to tune into that...so I'm trying to reframe the OA stuff around that. However, that makes the whole "I was powerless" or "giving it up to a higher power" kind of moot, because if you believe you have "that of God" in you, then you're never really powerless, and you're really just tuning into your own awareness/intuition of what the right path is.
I suppose that it's worthwhile just to take the time out to reflect, and to be conscious about things instead of acting mindlessly or habitually.
I've decided to blog because I feel like part of my accountability is to not hide from people. I guess the Anonymous part of Overeaters Anonymous isn't my thing. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and have spent a lot of time and energy over the years of hiding problems and not asking for help, or accepting it if it's offered. I've been "fine" or "great" when really, I am floundering and falling apart. I suppose I was just avoiding the feelings of being vulnerable and opening myself up to criticism or unsolicited advice, but I've gotten to a point in the last few months where I've realized that I really want people around me and to not feel like I'm going it alone, so I have to let people in.