Is it possible to lose weight on vacation? What if the travel will involve 20 hours of sitting in a car?? Or relatives who like to eat lots of sweets and push them on others at the same time? Is there any way to escape the family vacation terms that may sabotage my diet?
Before I even arrived, my aunt was talking about sitting around and playing games and EATING CHOCOLATES for Valentine's day. Of course, I told her to throw them out or hide them before I got there, and then she started making snide remarks about my weight and I felt horrible about myself. Actually, that's not what happened at all, but I now realise that that was the fear -- the thing that kept me from speaking up for myself. In my family, we recognize that weight is a sensitive issue, so we talk to each other about everyone else's weight -- but never directly to the heavy person in question.
Case in point: the beginning of this year, I was with another one of my aunts and she was talking about a cousin of mine who has put 30 or 40 pounds back on, poor love. Thinking about where she is in her life, I imagine a lot of this has to do with stress about the future and anxiety about being judged for how good a job she can or cannot get. (It's never really about the weigh t-- I know this.) My aunt asked if I thought maybe she needed to see a psychiatrist, because she must be crazy to gain weigh tlike that. I told her that therapy is never a bad idea for anyone, in my humble opinion, the more we know about ourselves, the better we can be in many aspects of our lives. However, I pointed out that if she didn't have any desire to change her weight, no amount of therapy would do it for her, and that, at the end of the day, it is really her decision to change or not to change. My aunt agreed, confiding that she would never actually speak to her directly about this, because she wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. Instead, she just tells her how beautiful she is. I nodded, and we went on to talk about other things. Then, five or ten minutes later, she interrupts me, leaning over and saying: "Have I told you how beautiful you look today? You just look great in that color. You are so beautiful." I felt flattered, and beamed, saying that it must be how happy I am in my life right now. It wasn't until a few days later when I took an inventory of how tight my pants were and got on the scale that I realized what she was REALLY saying!
Luckily, I have a pretty good sense of humor, and I've shared this story, laughing all the way with my husband, hairdresser and friends. That said, it doesn't change the hurt and fear underlying it: that I'm not good enough for my family, that I don't deserve to be thin, that it's not okay to be heavy, etc... These things will never serve to make me happy -- they will only serve to make me feel awful.
There is a solution: finding my own truth when it comes to body image, weight, and interacting with my family honestly and freely. Instead of taking on their baggage, or allowing them to throw crap on top of my goals, I can lovingly take the right actions for myself. I can learn from each interaction and experience of doing so. I can plan ahead and practice my lines aloud so I know what to say when the chocolates come out at night. I can bring tooth brushes and healthy alternatives to help me stay the course. I can take the lesson that leads me back to my own truth and leave the rest.
So here is my confession: I ate at least 10 -- probably more like 15 chocolates this weekend. I didn't seriously do any work to avoid doing so, I just fell into the pattern of chowing and throwing my cares about my body and my goals away in the presence of my relatives. I kept my dietbet a secret instead of sharing it boldly and loudly with them so they could cheer me on. I allowed myself to compare how I look with how my aunt (who looks like a super-model) looks, and use that comparison to feel bad about myself. I reasoned that the 1/2 pound increase on the scale this weekend MUST be from the 10 hour drive 3 days ago!
Basically, I cheated myself. But I'm so glad I did, because I will be stronger for it now. Next time, I won't take the crap. I'll leave the poop outside and bring my honest, vulnerable, changing self to share my truth with others around the kitchen table. Regardless of how other's respond, I will know I am doing what is best for me by strengthening my resolve through these responsible actions. Life is good to us when we live life on life's terms. And "Yes, IT IS POSSIBLE!"
Now read this before your next weekend worry, do the reflecting you need to do, then take the actions necessary FIRST, and let me know how it goes:)