I'm sitting in the dining room of my "new for us" home, listening to the birds singing. This is the first day that I've heard the birds since we moved in. Their songs are pleasant, and they make me feel content and excited for the melt.
I started my fitness journey last August with Weight Watchers. Perhaps a little before then. My husband and I purchased our bikes in April, 2014, and I fell in love with my wonderful Giant Escape 3W. Between April and August, I became entranced by my bike. There's not another way to put it; I experienced the same intoxication as when I fell in love with my husband. Starting in August I joined Weight Watchers so that I could learn to live a healthier lifestyle than eating whatever I want and riding my bike all the time. I loved it. I started at 132 and got down to 115 in six or sevent weeks. My goal weight, 105, was in sight.
My first encounter with grief happened at 4:30 in the morning in late September. It threw me off. I knew that I had the power to control what I ate and how I behaved. I chose not to control my diet. I ate because being healthy wasn't going to undo the past, and pizza and sugar are tasty comforts. Winter came soon enough, and while I watched the Madison cyclists exhibit their badassery by riding their fat tire bikes down the streets as if negative temperatures were merely an inconvenience, I didn't join them. In fact I settled in indoors, eating what I wanted, knowing that eventually I'd have to deal with the repercussions of my actions. At some point I terminated my involvement with WW.
I stayed busy this last winter. My husband and I bought a house and moved to our home state, Michigan. It is not a modern house. In fact, one day I was elbow deep in soap suds, scrubbing what might have been thirty years' worth of dirt, grime, and cigarette residue from the trim of my bedroom windows, and I caught myself in the midst of realizing that we purchased a veritable "fixer-upper." We bought the house for a good monetary price, but I catch myself worry about its opportunity costs. I left a good, extraordinarily high-paying job to come here and give my life to this house. I don't regret it, but I worry. Then I eat. It's much more difficult for me to control my food intake when I am home all the time.
So I sit here, listening to the birds, hoping that the Spring they promise will help me get back to my life before what can only be described as tragedy struck me and my family. I miss feeling powerful. I miss enjoying self-denial. I miss enjoying feeling naughty when I give in and be a little bad with my food, and then go back to being strict after an indulgence.
I'm struggling with convincing myself to eat better. I do not hold myself accountable. I think that's why WW worked so well for me; I paid for its services, and the act of paying $30 a month or whatever it was, kept me invested in my success. How curious it is that I can't keep myself invested without paying. But there it is. Perhaps one day I will get to the point where I don't need to motivate myself financially to maintain a better lifestyle. Until I get there, I will indulge my love of winning by joining dietbet.com.
I didn't realize that a blog would come with dietbet.com! In fact, I haven't written about my struggles with self control, my bike, grief, or anything for a long time. Never have I made it publicly available! This was an interesting surprise. I'll give it a go and see if I'll continue writing. My first challenge begins on March 7th, 2015. The goal is to lose 4% in 28 days. I weighed in at 125, so I'll need to get down to 120 before April 3rd, 2015 in order to split the pot with the other winners. Perhaps documenting the days away will help with motivation!
Best,
Adriane
