Today is the first day of the rest of your life...that's how the famous quote goes right? Well for me it rings true. I recently looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I really looked into that mirror. The person staring back at me is not the person I imagined I would be at 35 years old. My outsides certainly do not match my insides...but the scary part is that my insides are slowly beginning to match my outsides. Does this make sense?
On the inside I am an energetic, social, outgoing, fun loving person. On the outside I am overwieght, slow moving, self-loathing, and sad person. As a direct result of my obesity I have diabetes and asthma both of which can be life threatening if not taken care of and treated. I also have had PCOS for my entire adult life. How did I get here....and why did I allow myself to stay here for so long?
When I was a kid I got into some pretty messed up things, including drugs and alcohol. At the age of 16 I was a junkie dropout with one foot in the grave. I hit a bottom pretty close to death and thank god I wanted to live more then I wanted to die. I slowly crawled out of that hole with the love and support of my family and my newfound sober friends. The pieces of my life have been put back together and turned my life around. I finished high school and continued my education earning a college degree. I have a wonderful career in the healthcare industry that I love and a loving husband. A few years ago I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it has been a heck of fight but one that I have conquered. In between all of that there has been other things that have happened to knock me down too but I guess I won't bore you with the details.
The reason I share any of this is to say I do not know how not to be broken. I have been broken my entire life. My life has been tainted with me always waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always has. From my struggle as an adolescent with my wieght, to my drug addiction, to my medical issues. With every fiber of my being I want to be healthy and to love my body...but I do not know how. This is the first time I am admitting that I don't know. Previously I have always put on a a happy face and said "I can do this" when inside I am telling myself that this will just be one more failed attempt.
What's different this time? I admitted I do not know how and that I need help, I cannot do this alone. I did things that support my new way of life rather then setting myself up to fail. Simply put, there is something different inside that I can feel. This is my time to shine for myself and not for anybody else...today is the first day of the rest of my life!