None of you know me personally, but I'm gonna be straight upfront: I'm struggling with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The reason I'm starting off my blog post with this is because I'm convinced that my weight gain is directly related to psychological trauma, and maybe other people out there are feeling the same.
No, I know, it sounds like the blame game. Don't blame sadness or being scared. There are plenty of skinny sad people. Just take responsibility for your eating habits. Garbage in, garbage out. You haven't been doing well, so suck it up and do it right this time. More calorie expenditure than intake. The winners do it! As a person of strong will-power, I tend to think this way myself.
Then, after experiencing a few traumatic events related to overeating and overconsumption of alcohol, I started thinking. Why in the world would I ever do something that made me feel so bad, every time? I already feel sad. Why feel worse? And yet I'd do it over and over again. (Note: I do not have an eating disorder, and never have purged, etc., but I have eaten far too much comfort food in one sitting, and this is what I am talking about.)
It's because instant comfort through taste and texture feels better than working through emotions.
But that's the work I have to do. This year, I choose to do the hard, soul-work of weeding out my old needs, fears, and worries that I drowned with food and alcohol. I'm going to transform, inside and out. That's a choice that I make. And that is my path for 2015.
So, this year, I have several workout-related, eating-related resolutions. I have decided to not do anything that is impossible for me.
1. No alcohol.
2. No dairy. (I'm lactose intolerant.)
3. Convert to pescetarianism (vegan plus seafood), with forgiveness along the way — in other words, live it and learn it as best I can, without destroying myself if I accidentally eat something I wasn't supposed to. I live in an area where this is NOT difficult, and not too expensive, either.
4. Continue practicing yoga.
5. Begin running again.
6. While losing weight, use Lose It! app for calorie count; after that, use it for a general guide to maintain the weight.
When depression hit, I ignored physical activity, thinking it wasn't important. Now I know that isn't the case.
It's scary, but I am going to do it. I'm also reading through Deepak Chopra's How to Know God. I am an angry agnostic, but I want to deal with my emotions regarding the "divine." I like his approach, and that he is holistic and intelligent in his explanations of what the divine could be.
I'm chosing health, freedom, and transformation this year, over sickness, slavery, and stagnance. I hope my journey can be an encouragement to others out there who might feel the same.
