So, what is trending? For some people it's a new hairstyle or an outfit or even a diet. For me, I have a different trend that is going on. It's more of life trend. So, let's define trend. A trend is a "general tendency or direction". By now you're wondering, "What is this trend you're talking about?" My trend is something deeper than material things. My trend has dug its roots deep down and has began to destroy my psychological health. You could say it's taking a toll on my physical well-being as well. Everything mind, body, and spirit will reflect either positive or negative on the outward appearance of one's image.
I see myself fat. I see myself ugly. I see myself as not as important as the people next to me. You see, I try to correct these things and for some reason I fall short. I love to exercise but for some reason I can never seem to follow thru on my goals and ideals when it comes to what I want for my body. Food on the other hand, I have no self control over the foods I love. I know what is good for me but yet, I tend to make all the wrong decisions when it comes to fuel that is supposed nourish my body. People tell me I'm pretty but I call them liars. I don't believe them because I don't see it. So, because I see myself in a bad way in my outward appearance, I feel like I'm not as important as other people. I feel people don't really care about me and they probably don't. Should they? Or have I used my weight and appearance as an excuse why I shouldn't be liked by other people therefore I keep myself away from the social groups that could possible make me feel important someday?
Let's look a little bit into my background and then you'll get a little bit of an insight as to why I am the way I am. When I was a child I was abused. (gasp) "How so?" you ask? Well, think of any all ways a child can be abused and you know. Some was a little more extreme than others but thinking back into my childhood, all forms were present. I promise this isn't a "poor me" blog entry. I'm not about "boo hoo...poor me". I am about overcoming those issues and moving on with my life. My point is, the way I feel about myself is a reflection of my childhood. I recognize that. I wasn't the first to identify it but it was brought to my attention. It wasn't until somebody pointed out to me that I didn't have to be ashamed and I did nothing wrong that made me realize that this abuse has affected my self image. It affected how I communicated with people. I realized I didn't have to be scared of the world and that I am worth something.
Even tho I have made leaps and bounds, things still elude me. The biggest issue has been my weight and it is taking a serious toll on my body. I know I'm not obese. I am 5'9" or 5'10", depending on when I am measured, and I weigh 190 pounds. What?! To me, that is freakin huge. Yeah, it disgusts me. Should I let it? Probably not. And what have I don't to fix this self image issue? Well, everything. 10 years ago I started to work on my running. Didn't do much with it. I remained struggling with my fitness. I tried to work out but got to the gym and was either bored or just wasn't in the mood. In 2009 I got a little boost. My son was born but I was huge. Four weeks after his birth I was 230 pounds. 50 pounds more than my prepregnancy weight. I was devastated. So, I began to workout all the time. Usually about 3-4 times a week. I got back down to my 180 pound normal self but to me, it was too much. In 2011, I got another boost. Running. I loved to run. I did it in high school. And it was something I could do that didn't take too much coordination to accomplish. I ran 3-9 miles a day, 5 days a week. I was a running fool. But guess what...I didn't lose any weight. Yeah, I know, I lost fat and gained muscle. But none of that matter. The scale wasn't going down. Why wasn't it? it's because of my eating.
So, now we get to the part where we talk about that trend. The trend is, I start something but never complete what I set out to do. I want to lose weight but I don't have the motivation, the strive, the time, the energy...whatever the excuse may be. I want to eat right but I don't have time to prepare my food, it's easier to go thru the drive-thru, I don't want to give up my favorite foods. So, I know what it takes, why don't I just do it? I don't know. Why is it so hard to do the right thing when it comes to fitness and eating right for my body? No clue. What is so damaged in my head that I can't do what I want to reach my goals? It's all psychological. It's an every day battle. I ate pizza today after not eating anything with wheat in for 8 days.
OK...I know my problem, I just have to fix it. I need to break this trend of doing what is wrong for my body. Better yet, let's just start with the trend of how I see myself. For now, let's just start with believing that I am not worthless. Time to go lift something now and let's see if the rest will fall into place.
This is my blog. I have thoughts, ideas, and feelings that I don't normally express or talk about. Maybe this is just a rant. Whatever, this is me. Read it, don't read it, I don't care. It's for me...not you. :)