When I'm Skinny: A List

Posted on April 27, 2015

Ok, this isn't a list.

HAHAHAHA, I got you! You got got!

In the past when I've taken on a commitment to lose weight, it's never been about health-- but I didn't realize it right away. I'm struggling to address some harsh truth about myself and my habits, my addictions, et so on, that have brought me to where I am, health-wise-- and help me to overcome the bad bits and embrace the good bits and finally, lastingly, be successful and healthy.

One of the things I am still warring with is the "when I lose weight..." mindset.

For so so long, I have told myself that I didn't deserve whatever I wanted becuase I was fat. Fat girls don't get cute clothes. Fat girls don't get nice boyfriends. Fat girls don't get good jobs. Fat girls don't deserve A B C D. Fat girls don't.

I didn't go to the doctor out of fear that whatever medical issue I was feeling would be "because you are fat". I figured I'd go after I lost weight, if the problem still existed. (This is a terrible idea, by the way. My Dr and I are now totally BFFs and he's helped me discover that I am not, in fact, exhausted all the time because I'm fat, but because I am several kinds of anemic and have been living with untraceable amounts of iron in my body for who knows how long. Discoveries like this lead to solutions which, for me, have led to a vast understanding of my health insurance, the personal funding of the infusion nurse's child's college tuition, but most importantly, a bright new future of not needing 12 hours of sleep to feel human. Hooray!)

I missed so many important social events because I was fat. Because I told myself I wouldn't find something to wear, that I'd look awful if I DID find something, and that people would stare/judge/hate me. I missed two weddings, baby showers, more birthday parties than I know. I missed concerts I would have loved, festivals, trips to the hill country with the girls. Because I was scared, partly, but more so because I didn't deserve to go. I needed to be punished.

So, I mean, I can go a lot of directions with the why's that I felt this way-- I was raised old school Catholic, I'm the daughter of an immigrant, I'm a middle child, I'm a child of repeated broken homes, an alcoholic, a drug-addict, a bi-polar artist. I was raised on one side by American culture-- YM and Cosmo, movies and Top 40 tracks. I was raised on another side by beat poets, Sexton and Atwood-- simultaenously encouraged to be strong and weak and open and closed. My family has recurrent themes of eating disorders, all kinds of fun neurosis, depression, anxiety, OCD, misogyny. I was raised to be painfully vain and painfully unaware-- shamed and praised for the same merits and failures. Whatever-- the joy of family is that they're messy. They make us who we are, and we can digress into nature VS nurture and blame games-- but in the end, it is what it is. I'll let you know when my memoir is published (haha).

So.

For whatever life events and synapse snaps, I came to the conclusion that I didn't deserve anything good, and that anything undesireable happening to me was purely my Fault. Primarily because I am fat. (An aside: this is not an opening to talk about destiny or hard work or martyrdom or the Secret or God or anything like that.) And I capitalize Fault for hyperbole-- I really felt so responsible and victimized, and this ambivalence wrecked me. Still wrecks me. But I'm working on it.

Anyway, I've recently decided to put away the "When I'm" list.

You know the one. When I'm skinny, I'll {skydive, find love, get a raise, be happy}.

When I'm skinny, I'll...

The amount of fat on my body does not negate the fact that I have worth. That's such a hard thing for me to wrap my brain around. And I'm saying it, I'm typing it, I'm telling it to you, so that I might start to believe it. You don't have to reaffirm my self-affirmations, btw, because it won't help and it just sounds pandering. That's not the point at all.

I'm slowly starting to see little glimmers of this as truth-- that I'm worth something, even fat. And maybe that doesn't seem like conducive to weight loss, embracing my current self-- but I think it might be the most important thing I have ever done (or, am doing, I guess).

I have a daughter, who loves me more than anything else in the whole world, even fat. I have a daughter who will be bombarded-- who is, at 3 years old-- already bombarded by pressure to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to fit into a box. The only way I can teach her to love herself, to be good to herself, is to show her.

I'm living in the present. No more when.

Comment Now!

Jennifer F.

05/07/2015 1:28PM

OMG - this is me! I have put so much of my life on hold the past several years. I hate clothes shopping, I refuse to be in pictures, and I routinely make up reasons for why I can't go out with friends, when really its just that I don't want to put myself in a social situation where I'm just sure I will be judged and hated. In reality its me doing the judging and hating to myself. I keep telling myself I will do this or that when I lose some weight. Well, I've been divorced now for the better part of four years, and everyone of those years I've been determined that this will be the year I lose the weight and start my life over. Guess what? I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was then, and hating myself even more. I just joined dietbet and I am hoping that this is the thing that will finally give me the incentive to be consistent and really make those life changes. But I think nothing will really change until I learn to love myself. If you learn the secret to that, please share!

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Jennifer F.

Great philosophy and approach. Thanks for your honest post and insights. Happy weekend!

bahhhhh

You too! Thank you for reading my rambley blogs :D

sajeen

04/29/2015 7:56PM

Can totally relate to this. Great read!

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Alice W.

04/27/2015 6:47PM

You have to be one of the most down to earth and honest writers I've ever read. You should really have a blog somewhere other than just inside Dietbet.

GlampingGal, Les and bahhhhh like this comment.

bahhhhh

Thank you, Alice. I like having this blog here because it's fairly anonymous. I think that's why I can be so honest here-- nobody I know in real life reads these, so it's safe. I guess I could do the same with an anonymous blog. It's a thought. Thanks for reading :)

Jenni

04/27/2015 6:36PM

Thank you Tia. I found some truths in this post that hit really close to home as well as new concepts/ideas. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a loving, funny, and intelligent mother. Keep posting please!

Les and bahhhhh like this comment.

bahhhhh

Thank you, Jenni! That's really kind :)

Debbie

04/27/2015 5:11PM

Great post and good for you for looking at yourself and seeing a person instead of a size!! It's so hard to do but so important. I used to teach a scrapbooking 101 class - back in the day - and I always made sure to encourage the attendees to make sure they were in the pictures as well, regardless of how they thought they looked! It was brought home to me personally when my ex was killed in a car accident and I went through all of our family photos to put together photo books for our 3 kids. I had enough pictures of him to fill all 3 albums (with lots to spare) but there were less than 10 pictures of me (total) because I thought I was fat. Had I been the one in the accident my children would not have had much to remind them of me or the things we did together. That has changed. I love this post! It is so important for all of us to realize that we are worthy and wonderful regardless of our size!

Abbie, GlampingGal and 4 others like this comment.

bahhhhh

Thank you, Debbie! It's funny that you bring up the pictures, because I've been thinking about that, too. I read an article not too long ago about a woman who went 10 years or so without letting herself be photographed and how she regretted it, and it set me to thinking about how I do the same. That's definitely a struggle. I've been trying to tell myself to get in more pictures-- at least with my daughter. It's so silly not to. She doesn't care, and hopefully in a few years I can look at those photos and be proud of my progress. I'm sorry to hear about your loss and your kid's loss-- what a hard thing.

Debbie

Thank you :0) I know what you mean about the pictures! It is hard at first but our friends and families love us as we are. We just have to reframe it for ourselves. I have pics of me at my heaviest and I look at them and am so proud of how far I have come - and I have pics of me doing things with my kids, my friends and my man LOL Totally worth the cringe factor of the picture!

Les

04/27/2015 1:01PM

You know I love your post and amazingly not anywhere in there do you recognize all the wonderful things about you that have nothing to do with being fat or skinny! but we do live in a world where people judge you based on how you look and so I hope this community helps you to get to being where you want to be and how you want look and keep writing because I love reading it all! I know You are a wonderful person!

Alice W. and bahhhhh like this comment.

bahhhhh

D'awwwww, you're nice! I'm secure about lots of things, I promise. The outside stuff has always been hardest for me. I will keep writing if you keep reading :)

Anders J.

04/27/2015 12:31PM

Great post, with skipping the "When I'm skinny, I'll...". Its similar to this blogger recently skipped "my After" https://cannebodyhearme.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/the-after-myth/

Les and bahhhhh like this comment.

bahhhhh

Thanks for sharing that post. It's so easy to put off the important stuff-- the brain stuff-- for later. I hadn't considered what happens later, after. But yes. One more reason to be present. Thanks for reading, too!

Abbie

04/27/2015 11:14AM

Great post Tia! You are an amazing writer. I have both enjoyed and learned from all of your posts. Thanks for sharing.

Les and bahhhhh like this comment.

bahhhhh

Thanks, Abbie! Thanks for reading all my rambles :)