Moments of Clarity

I have been on some kind of "diet" off and on since I was probably 12 years old. I am a classic yo-yo dieter. I'm very good at following rules and restricting myself for months, or even years, at a time. Then, life happens. Tragedies happen. My willpower becomes overwhelmed with other demands. When this happens, I pack on the pounds. Each time that I've gained weight back after dieting, I've ended up weighing more than I ever have before.

I'm not just an emotional eater. I'm a boredom eater. I'm a binge eater. I'm a sneak eater (usually binging and sneaking go hand in hand for me). I'm a stress eater. I have had moments where I felt like I blacked out and just ate all of whatever was in front of me. A pan of brownies will call my name until I eat them all or shove them to the bottom of the trashcan. I'm talking about the nasty trashcan outside, by the way. I also believe that I enjoy food more than the average person, but in moments like that, I haven't been enjoying my food. I think I was hating myself, or at least disregarding my health and wellness to a point where I made myself extremely unhappy. My fat not only pads my bones and organs from injury, but it also mentally protects me from feeling anything. I know this is such a backwards thing for me to believe since being overweight has brought on feelings of shame and pain for me so many times. But, in some ways, the extra weight has been a shield from feelings of failure.

I have lost almost 45 pounds since this time last year. For the first time, I'm not using gimmicks--just plain old calorie counting, healthy eating and exercising (with a little bit of encouragement from Dietbet, of course!). I'm still on my weightloss journey, but I'm finally at a healthy BMI for the first time in four years (I was at this weight for less than 2 weeks for my wedding in 2011). I do live in fear that all of this work will go out the window soon, and I'll be back to struggling to tie my shoes and dreading the dressing room again. I always hear about how people who decide to transform their lives for good have a moment of clarity where things really click. Sometimes this makes me nervous because I'm afraid I haven't had that moment myself. Have I perhaps not hit rock bottom, yet? Am I destined for a lifetime of ups and downs?

In an attempt to stop living in fear and prevent self-sabatoge, I've come to a conclusion. Perhaps the answer is not just one big "A-ha!" moment. My moment of clarity might have to come everyday, one day at a time. I have to make the concious decision each morning to be in control of my health. I will slip up, but that doesn't mean I have to dive back into obesity, or purposefully pack on the pounds as some kind of messed up protection from feeling less than perfect. It's all about choice and taking control, which isn't easy. But, I know that it's worth it.

Here are some things that give me little moments of clarity and/or motivation everyday:

• My mom had a stroke when she was just 6 years older than I am right now.
• I have lost almost every Dietbet that I have joined, but I have lost weight everytime. That is more motivating than winning money.
• The salesperson at the store where I was buying jeans looked at me like I was crazy when I told her I thought I was a size 10. She brought me a size 4 instead, and they fit!!!
• Most junk food does not actually even taste that good (there are exceptions, of course). Even my beloved Diet Cokes taste somewhat chemical-ly to me now. I still have one on occasion, but it doesn't bring me the joy it once did.
• A dress that I bought three years ago finally fits. It felt so good to take the tags off and wear it.
• The success stories of other people blow me away and make me want to work harder. If someone who is 400 pounds can do this, I can, too!
• Having more confidence and energy makes me a better partner to my husband.
• Even my shoes fit better.
• I don't have high cholesterol, diabetes, or high blood pressure. However, I have a family history of all of these.
• My stretch marks are battle wounds from a war between me and food. My loose skin is proof that I'm winning.

Just writing this has helped me think it through. I will do my best to be a little less afraid of the future so I can continue to keep the promises I've made myself.