Step One (aka: my way too long sob story, and why i'm doing this)

Posted on November 24, 2015

I had every intention of going with my usual lurking approach on this site, to get my virtual support and motivation. You can still feel free to pretend I did just that, and ignore this altogether.

I suffer from some pretty severe social phobia, the sweat-and-get-nauseous-whenever-I-step-outside kind. I even have trouble talking to people online. Hiding behind an avatar and pseudonym doesn't seem to help.

So writing this is a struggle. I'm not sure what is making do it. And I'm being surprisingly honest about myself, in a way I haven't been since I don't even remember. But I guess I felt the need to have a "mission statement" kind of thing somewhere. Because admitting you have a problem is the first step, right?

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So, let's take advantage of this wild burst of courage and be real honest.

I have a lot of problems. I'm obese, a college drop-out, jobless, friendless, not on talking terms with my family, depressed, AND I suffer from some pretty severe social phobia due to low self-esteem that is ruining all my attempts at making anything better. It's a vicious circle: I hate myself because of the state of my life, and because I hate myself I just can't fix the state of my life. Most of the time, I don't think I'm capable of it anymore.

My whole life became this terrible dark pit I can't crawl out of. I'm 24, and although I know rationally that I'm young, for the last few years I've been just killing time until I'm dead. And only indoors, where no one can see me or know that I exist.

It all sounds ridiculous and messed up, but it's pretty accurate, and took me way too much time to write. More than you'd ever guess.

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I've tried lots of things lots of times, but it keeps coming back to this: most things in the world will eventually require speaking to people. And that's a problem for me.

I don't think I understand all the reasons why yet, and don't know if I ever will. But I know that my appearance is part of the problem. Probably the biggest part. I just hate people looking at me. I don't know how much of it is real and how much is just my imagination, but wherever I go I can feel people looking at me and thinking I'm disgusting.

I don't think being fat or ugly is any kind of crime. I certainly don't go around declaring people to be disgusting. Somewhere in my heart however, deep where no logic can survive, I've decided that my very existence is unforgivable, and the least I should do is not impose my sight upon society. It doesn't help that I don't seem to have any redeeming qualities either.

Yeah, I tried the "accept yourself as you are" thing. It's not working.

Losing weight seems like a good place to start. It feels more achievable that anything else, mostly because it's something I can do on my own. I think being thinner might just make all the difference in the world, as messed up as that is.

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The real challenge is not giving up halfway (or right on the beginning, actually) because who-cares-i-cant-make-it-anyway.

That's why I'm here. Money has been short lately (jobless, remember) so I really can't waste it. That's a really big extra incentive. If I do well, this place could help me in more ways than one.

But ultimately, it's not just my money that I'm betting. Is my whole fucking life. That's what's really on the line here. My every faint dying hope of a future. Hope that I can still somehow get better, get out of this place, be one of those inspirational tales of recovery, complete with before/after pictures. That's what I wanted to get across, I think.

This is my heartfelt, tearful confession to whom it might interest. And if there's someone out there, feeling like they're trapped in their own body and can't stand to look in the mirror, or like life is a dead-end and everything was lost before it even began... To anyone who might feel in any way like I do, well. Everyone is alone with their burdens, but maybe you'll feel slightly less lonely knowing I'm out there somewhere, a soul kindred in so much drama, if not in anything else. Maybe you'll feel the smallest bit better, knowing you're not the only one struggling with all-consuming hopelessness.

And I can't tell you things will be alright, because I don't know that. I don't know if people can change. Hell, I don't know if I'll ever post anything here again. If I don't, you can be sure that nothing has changed, that I've lost the battle, maybe never to rise again. But if do, if I can do this much, maybe I can go the whole way. And If I do, maybe that's the ultimate proof that anyone can. Because you really can't go much lower than I am right now.

Still I'm yet once again fighting.

And this time I'm betting I can win.

Comment Now!

Lana

11/06/2016 2:59PM

You are amazing! I will be here sheering for you! We are in this all thing together!

Susan S.

12/05/2015 3:09PM

Naever and Aweigh, I can very much relate to what you have written, struggle with some of the same feelings and thank you both for putting yourselves out there :) Hope you are both doing well!

Aweigh I Go

12/02/2015 4:43PM

I was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder 10 years ago so I can completely relate to everything you shared. I've found that there does seem to be a correlation between the extent of my obesity and the intensity of my anxiety. When I take care of myself consistently and drop even just 10 lbs, I feel a tiny bit less self-conscious leaving the house. It's not just a vanity thing, I think it's the structure...the routine of regular exercise, clean eating and getting good sleep that makes me feel mentally stronger, a little braver.I know that getting to a healthy weight isn't the whole thing for me...If I ever reach 120 lbs I'll likely still be a high-strung introvert who struggles to carry on a simple conversation, but I believe my life will be bigger and more fulfilling than it is today. I'm betting we both can win, too.

Naever likes this comment.

Stephanie C.

11/28/2015 2:27PM

Your strength and determination is palpable. Applause, applause!!!I'm betting you WILL win!!!

Lana likes this comment.

Marta

11/26/2015 12:41AM

Thanks for sharing your story, I can relate to many things in there and I hope you will keep on sharing on your blog and in the bet, it helps to be a apart of a team that cheer you on. Btw we are almost at the weight at this point. 81.1 over here. :)

Maggie A.

11/25/2015 11:17AM

Wow. What a post. That took a lot of soul searching and a lot of courage! You can do this. Please keep posting. By the way, you are a terrific writer!

Lana likes this comment.

microtastic

11/24/2015 9:09PM

Keep sharing and keep going. There are many people who resonate with what you're going through- the self-hatred, depression, struggle for acceptance, fear of anything social. But these are all hidden struggles no one wants to talk about. I have been fighting for years, and I know it's worth it. It gets better. You can do this.

PDXJael

11/24/2015 9:31AM

Great post. Honesty with yourself is really a crucial element of life change. Just remember there is not one person here who thinks they are perfect or who doesn't experience some anxiety when exposing their flaws to others. We all have flaws that seem like mountains to us and molehills to those who are camped out in their own mountains. Good luck, keep writing and we'll be here to cheer you on.

Gabrielle M.

11/24/2015 5:51AM

That last sentence! When I found out about the site I didn't want to do it, then I realized that's because I thought I would fail. Which made me mad, so I joined. And you do have a talent because that's a really nice blog post. :)

Tama

11/24/2015 3:47AM

I am listening