Ok, so it's more like day 3,532 or something. I've been trying to get back to "me" since I had Logan, who is already 10 years old! Let's go way back, shall we? Being "thin" (more like average/healthy) came easy for me. I didn't have to work out or eat healthy. I can't say I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain anything, but I mean...I didn't have to watch myself. There was a period of time where I was convinced I was way overweight and fat and I was borderline anorexic. It wasn't for a long period of time, but I managed to knock off a good 20 pounds off my already average/healthy body. Between my boyfriend(who is now husband), his mom, and his grandma, they helped me gain weight and I was back to where I was before I starved myself...plus 10 pounds. But still totally healthy and not overweight at all. Then I got pregnant with Logan. I was so scared that because I starved myself before, that I would screw something up. I wanted to make sure my baby was going to be healthy and my baby was going to grow and thrive. So I indulged and took "eating for two" quite literally and gained 50 pounds during his pregnancy. After I had him I still had 36 pounds to lose to get to pre-pregnancy weight, but I was so put off by my new body that I....ignored it. I couldn't believe how different I looked with all the extra weight and stretch marks. I believed that I'd always look like that now so why even bother? I have a new baby. People will understand. Those were my excuses.
Then I got pregnant with Cameron. He was born 2 years later almost to the day. When I got pregnant with him, I had only lost 2 more pounds since having Logan. I was smarter the 2nd time around and only gained 26 pounds with him. BUT...when I went into labor with him I weighed EXACTLY the same as I did when I went in to labor with Logan. After I had Cameron I went back down to the weight I was when I got pregnant with him pretty quick. I didn't have to try. All 26 pounds came off literally on it's own. But then I was stuck there again. That number was the lowest number I have seen on a scale since probably about the 7th month of pregnancy with Logan. And it wouldn't get any lower until Cameron was about 2 years old.
I was desperate. I tried nutrisystem, but I didn't like it, and having to pay for those meals along with food for the rest of my family was sucky. I was never one to be active. At all. I never worked out a day in my life. Honestly. I didn't know what healthy eating was exactly. I just thought it was salads and no sweets or junk food. I was uneducated and was frustrated that after having children, being "thin" didn't come easy like it did before. I couldn't understand how it could come off so easy and naturally with others that had babies and they seemed not to do anything for that to happen either. I was at a low, emotionally about my weight, for the first time. So I went to see a doctor about getting a pill prescribed that was for weight loss. I was able to get it because I was considered obese. That word made my jaw drop, becuase even though I was 36 pounds over what I was used to for the past 4 years, I didn't feel like I LOOKED obese.
Let me share this with you-when I gain weight..I gain it everywhere. It evenly distributes all over my body so I don't look like that damn number on the scale. A lot of people are shocked when I share my weight. Granted I definitely don't look like I'd be in the normal/healthy range of weight, because it's obvious I'm overweight, but because it distributes everywhere on me...looks can be decieving.
Those prescribed pills helped. A LOT! But I will say this and preach it...I would never do it again. It's not healthy. It makes you feel weird, shaky, it gives you energy but it doesn't feel right, it's not energy that made me feel like I had a good night's rest-it's energy where I have to constantly be doing something or I'm crawling out of my skin. It made me nauseated(it's an appetite surpressant), I had cottonmouth. I didn't like the way it made me feel. And that's all I was doing was taking those pills prescribed to me by a doctor. I didn't get educated or even sought out to be educated about proper diet and exercise. Why? Because I was losing weight, so why would I want to learn about that when these pills are working? I lost 25 pounds and seen a number on the scale that was the lowest in YEARS! 11 more pounds to go and I'd finally be where my "normal" is! I was feeling great(besides what the pills made me feel), I was starting to get confident in my skin again, I was almost at the finish line!!
And then...
All of a sudden I gained a LOT of weight in a VERY short amount of time. It didn't make sense. Once I started seeing the number on the scale go up, is when I started exercising regularily for the first time. I cut out pop, and I started eating as healthy as I knew how to. But the weight kept coming and came fast. I decided to just stop taking those pills thinking they somehow caused it, but that didn't help. Didn't make it worse either, but didn't help. I ended up gaining 60 pounds in 2 months. All while taking diet pills, exercising, eating better, cutting out pop, drinking water. I was devistated and gave up on myself completely.
After a couple years I found out I have Unexplained Secondary Infertility. We do know that I have wacky hormones which contributed to the weight gain, along with a lot of other weird things that was happening to my body. Just don't know why. We checked out PCOS, but I don't have that...my hormones make my body have exact signs and symptoms of it, but I don't have it. It's still a mystery to this day and that's why it took so long for Ethan to come into our lives.
Ahh, Ethan's pregnancy. When I got pregnant with him I was actually 38lbs heavier than the weight I was after having both Logan and Cameron. During his pregnancy I was so sick the entire time that I actually lost 11 pounds. By the time I had him I had gained it back. So all in all I didn't gain anything while pregnant with Ethan. After I had him I had lost 20 pounds almost overnight. And I stayed there.
Fast forward a few months and a shitty life situation-I lost another 25 pounds. Because I wasn't eating. Not because I intentionally was starving myself, but I was so depressed and suffering from depression from a marital separation that almost ended in divorce, that I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything. And I lost 25 pounds. I was starting to look good again, and that was the only "good" thing I was thinking that came out of that situation. It wasn't healthy...yet again, but I thought at least I was losing weight. Fast forward a year and a half and I've gained those 25 pounds back. Plus another 10. There was a time there where I was going to the gym and trying to work out at home, but I honestly didn't have the motivation to keep it up. And now that I was happy in my life and where I wanted to be in my personal life, I was eating. When you starve yourself and start eating normally again, you're going to gain weight no matter what. Whether it's healthy or unhealthy. You'll always gain weight. And you usually gain it all back and then some and that's what happened to me...again.
I still have hormonal issues that makes it a little more difficult for me to lose weight, and I tend to get frustrated with it and let down that I don't get progress the way I think I should when I try to lose weight. I also still have unexplained secondary infertility. I'm willing to bet those 2 issues go hand in hand with each other. I'm also hoping that getting back to what I see as "me" weight/fit-wise, that it can help those issues be more manageable.
Lately I have been feeling empowered. I've been doing a lot of research to help me go through this journey and I'm willing to give new things a try and really educate myself on being fit and healthy and staying that way. I've never been this empowered before, so I'm really hoping I don't get discouraged with myself and give up like I have in the past. I'm also going to be doing this the RIGHT way, and not the shortcut way for fast results. I want this to stick. It's not a diet...it's a lifestyle change that I am more than ready and willing for. Question is...who's with me?!