Morning weigh-in: 154.4

Goal weight: 155 150

I maintained the same weight from yesterday, but that was a bit expected. We had a death in the family - one that doesn't affect me much, to be honest, but my mom was feeling pretty rough (it's her brother). So I ended up driving an hour to see her in the evening. Missed my workout and ended up at Panera for dinner. All things considered, though, she wanted some retail therapy, so we spent a few hours walking around stores and I opted for a salad/soup pick two - didn't eat the bread, so it was around 390 calories... though definitely more salt than I would have had otherwise. My total for the day was 1,440 calories eaten, 2,210 calories burned.

Sitting in Panera with my mom, we ended up in a conversation about weight loss - as we usually do. My mom is constantly dieting, constantly killing herself with the new workout craze, and constantly unhappy with how she looks. The interesting thing is that she's got a fantastic body. She's 5'1, 120 lbs, and at the age of 50, after 4 kids I'd say she's doing really well for herself. But she doesn't see it. She does fad diets, but then eats candy when her "sugar is low." She tans excessively and her hair is colored on schedule every 4 weeks. Then last night she tells me she wants to undergo cosmetic surgery. A tummy tuck and a breast enhancement. It just breaks my heart that she feels so strongly that she needs to do these things to feel beautiful. And chances are, even when she does them - she wont still. 

I understand we all have different feelings about our bodies, and we're all comfortable at different places. I'm certainly not one to judge - but I couldn't help but remind her that she's going to have to accept some day that she's getting older. No "Mommy Makeover" provided by Dr. Plastic Surgeon is going to stop that. I'm certainly not suggesting she should just give up. But when what you're doing to your body to make it "right" makes you miserable (and broke, in her case), is it really worth it? Isn't the point of shaping your ideal body to be happy? 

It got me thinking about how my mom's body image has informed my own mindsets about weight. My mom has never been happy with her body. It's not just a recent phenomenon. In some ways, watching my mom workout regularly has had a positive effect. If she wants something changed, she changes it. Which is empowering. But I can't say I've loved my body all my life - really, what woman does? I often hate what age does to my body (and I'm noticing new things every day!), and I only ever feel really good when I have shed a few pounds. But I've worked hard to be comfortable in my skin. I don't have to feel like a supermodel all the time - because, to be honest, it's just not as important as other parts of myself. My husband married me at my heaviest. I know he loves me and my body. That self-doubt and terrible body image creeps up every now and again, though, and it's not easy to let go of.

I want to feel pretty. I think most women do. But I try to remind myself there's a huge difference between pretty and beautiful. Not everyone can be pretty - because it's an arbitrary set of cultural standards and we just don't have that much control over how we were built. But anyone can be beautiful. I know that sounds trite, but hear me out. I think of beauty like I do any kind of art - it derives its value from how it makes the viewer feel. Sure, pretty affects that to some extent, but so does confidence, how we dress ourselves, how we speak to people, our body language, and what we do in the world that matters. When our presence makes the people around us feel good (or ourselves feel good), we are truly beautiful. I hope when the time comes, if I have a daughter, I can teach her the difference by my own example. And show her that it's okay to love your body, even with its flaws.

This isn't a "just love yourself the way you are" speech. That seems a little absurd to be posted here, and it's such overused, stupid advice. If it were as easy as reading a motivational quote, none of us would be here. We're never going to love our flaws, but we can either change them - while still living a healthy life that we enjoy - and learn to accept the things we can't change. Because isn't being happy the point? 

Sorry for the diatribe. Just wanted to get some thoughts out there. Hope you all are finding success in your own journeys. <3