Here I am AGAIN facing the dreaded scale of doom. Every year, I look back over the past year and hope that I've made progress and, every year, see that I have failed miserably at winning the war at weight loss. At the beginning of 2012, my goal was to join Weight Watchers and lose 10 lbs. per month for a total of 100 lbs. by the end of the year. It is now FIVE YEARS LATER and I'm only down about 15 lbs. from my highest weight. Talk about disappointment!
I feel like I'm ALWAYS starting over. I read other people's success stories to get motivated and think to myself "What's wrong with me? Why can't I do that?" I feel like a failure at weight loss and my self-esteem is in the toilet right now.
I realized that I didn't want to have to GO to a support group weekly to keep myself on track and, more importantly, I absolutely HATE journaling!!!!! I don't want to have to write down what I eat for the rest of my life. I just want to be able to control what I eat and eat like a NORMAL person. Eat when I'm hungry, make good, healthy choices, and stop when I'm full. It SOUNDS simple, right? But I've had a love/hate relationship with food my ENTIRE LIFE since childhood. I was always teased for being the "fat girl" in class throughout grammar school, never dated in high school because, really, who wanted to date a whale??? Then into adulthood, found myself going through the non-traditional dating process (i.e., first personal ads in the newspaper, then a phone line dating service, advancing to finally online dating). You will note that with each of these means of dating, anonymity is king, and no one really knows what you look like in the beginning. Needless to say, I had a lot of FIRST dates and few post-first dates. The guys would be attracted to my voice, my personality, my sense of humor, but it would fall apart when they SAW me. Tell me THAT wouldn't affect your self-esteem.That led to me pretty much doing anything and everything to keep a guy in my life I was so desperate for a boyfriend and love. I'd pay their bills, give them *** tried to be whatever they wanted me to be, but still, love never came.
Then I met HIM...
I figured the best thing to do for me was to work on MYSELF, not worry about anybody else (except, of course, my son) and try to get myself in shape. I realized that I was blaming a lot of people for my weight problem except the one person whose fault it really was--ME. Afterall, nobody else puts the food into my mouth but ME and, if I'm going to succeed this time, I've got to take responsibility for my faults and realize that only I can fix MY problems. We had somewhat of a tumultuous relationship. When it was good, it was very good. We had an amazing connection and he always made me feel sexy & beautiful because he was the first guy I've ever met who truly didn't care about my weight. We had incredible sex and that always left me satiated and feeling good about myself. However, when it was bad, it was very, very bad, mainly due to his excessive drinking for which he refused to get help. But he was still my BEST friend--the one person I could talk to about everything, anything and nothing. The one person who would be there for me no matter what. We had 15-1/2 years together. Then, the unthinkable happened...he died and I lost my best friend, my support system, the person who never ridiculed me or made me feel horrible because of my weight. After the first year, I thought I was ready to date again, and after a couple of disastrous first dates I met someone I thought might have potential. He was so nice and it felt good to have someone to talk to again--that was the biggest thing I missed! However, due to geography and family circumstances, we only got to see each other 1-2x per month, but that was OK with me because I wasn't looking for anything too serious--mostly just someone to talk to. Then, he tells me he just wants to be "friends" and I never hear from him again. Talk about a blow to your ego! I was being rejected by a guy I wasn't even that interested in. This sent me into a downward spiral of depression and shame that lasted over a year.
Then, at my Camp Widow retreat in March 2017, one of the presenters recommended a book to people who were even just thinking about dating again after loss--"It's Just A Fucking Date"--if you are in a simialr situation or if you just haven't found the right relationship, I highly recommend this book. I got the audio version first and listened to it on my way to/from work. What an eye-opening experience!
The 1st rule of "Super Successful Winner Dating" as they call it is--get this--LOVE YOURSELF AND KNOW YOU'RE WORTHY. Wow! What a concept! Love MYSELF first before I could love someone else or let someone else into my life. I realized then that I really didn't like myself very much. So, longer story a little shorter (sorry this is so long but thanks for hanging in there), I've decided that I am so not ready to date anybody at this point in my life and, instead, need to concentrate on ME. I need to work on loving MYSELF and being happy with who I am. How do I do this? Take something you don't like about yourself and CHANGE IT! What don't I like about myself? What have I NEVER liked about myself? My weight! Let's start there. I realized that I was blaming a lot of people for my weight problem except the one person whose fault it really was--ME. Afterall, nobody else puts the food into my mouth but ME and, if I'm going to succeed this time, I've got to take responsibility for my faults and realize that only I can fix MY problems.
So here I am...AGAIN...trying desperately to lose weight...now I need to lose at least 100 lbs. I never thought I'd ever weigh almose three hundred pounds. I would watch "My 600 lb. LIfe" and wonder to myself, "How do these people let themselves get THAT big?" Well, how did I let myself get to be this big???? Not taking responsibility for oneself. Not caring enough to do anything about it. Using food as a crutch and not the nourishment it is supposed to be.
One thing I am proud of that I've recently accomplished is that in 2014, after my BF passed away, I decided to go back to school and expand my knowledge and maybe make a career change. It's tough going back to school after 20 years but I always felt that I missed out on college and it was something I really wanted to do. And I'm proud to say that, 2-1/2 years later, I have successfully earned my Associate of Science Degree in Health Information Technician--so that's a BIG victory I can feel proud of. And I'm considering now going for my Bachelor's degree in Health Information Management. My son also graduated high school last year so we had a double graduation celebration in our house!
That is my reason for being HERE right now, starting another Diet Bet, hopefully, with much better results than my previous one. Hoping to get a jumpstart on a healthy eating plan. Here I go!