Yesterday, Friday April 20th. I was off work, and my lawn needed a good cut to start the season. This was the first time in my life I have ever mowed anything. It didn't seem like it was going to be that big of a chore. Boy was I wrong! I was going to just do the front yard, and let my husband do the backyard. I got my half way there, and decided that I could do this. Push. I have never sweat so much in my life! it felt good, albeit very exhausting by the time I was done. But I can now look at my yard and smile in pride of what I did.
That being said, I guzzled down 6 full glass waterbottles while mowing.
I follow loseit.com, and am allotted about 2700 calories per day. I have done so well in reducing that and staying on limit all week. I had a brief breakfsat of about 500 calories yesterday morning. By time I entered my lawn mowing into my loseit, it knocked off 1,144 calories for the mowing (YAY!). This put me up to about 3200 calories that I could have because I worked off more than I ate. I wanted a really good steak and potatoes. I pre-caloried everything that I had planned to eat through Applebees, and still had about 1000 calories left. But I ordered the triple chocolate meltdown (I was dying for some chocolate). My husband has been telling me how proud he is of me all week for making good choices and saying no. But then he told me how disappointed he was in me for ordering that last night.
I rewarded myself with food, and let myself indulge on it as well. I was going to eat it all, but I went ahead and ate half and gave him the rest. I have been in a negative / depressive funk ever since he said that. The addiction I have with food is just that, an addiction. I've tried to explain it so many times on how it feels. When I see something I know I don't need, isn't going to help me, but I just want it so I justify it that I wanted it so I should have it, then when I do, I'm miserable. I watched myself balloon in the mirror as I went and kept saying tomorrow, tomorrow, eventually, maybe, no i'll never lose the weight. I know i'm only 4 days in, and although I was still within' the calorie budget I had via loseit, I still feel like I failed. I failed myself, but I failed my husband.
I don't know what to do, or how to make myself feel better, as what's done is done, and that's all there is to it.