Okay, I'm going to try this blog feature: How I got here, as in, 5'2" and well over 160 lbs. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad to some of you, maybe it sounds terrible to some of you. For me, it is my largest size of my life. And, being so short, the extra weight is noticeable, even though all my loved ones still call me "gorgeous"... "Here" also includes: on dietbets since March and only lost about 5 pounds. I lost about 15 at most and then gained it all back pretty much. I won my first two and since, have lost game after game.
Okay, I digress, I wanted to start with this: I never ever have been "thin." I was alway the lil chubbier kid, though, fortunately, my parents involved me in soccer and therefore, I HAVE been a muscled-up person, but, never "slender." Never "tiny." And, never ever ever have I looked at myself and been happy about my weight. Even 30 pounds ago, I was not happy (which, OMG, I want to be that again!...but, will I ever BE happy?). And I want to change that the most.
I played soccer all throughout my childhood until I was about 13 when I broke someone's ankle and just could not play anymore. My coach was proud of that! Was pushing me to be that agressive. Before or during soccer, I used to do these tape-recorded "Get in Shape, Girl" workouts at home (gosh, maybe as young as 7 or so)! In highschool, I was not as active, but, I did workout occasionally. It was in college though that I really started going to the gym a lot. It was my stress relief. Cardio kickboxing, regular kickboxing, cardio machines, actual weights...then I graduated college and was given the gift of a year membership at Gold's Gym! I went all the time! I was a 4-5 day a week workout person!
When I turned 26, my brother gave me the South Beach Diet book. I was so upset. I thought he was telling me, "you're a big fatty fatso." So, I did not open the book for several months. And, then, as usual--upset with my size--I decided to try it. I learned all about the glycemic index, "good carbs" versus "bad carbs" and I started to really get interested in cooking and nutrition. I look back and think I should have been at least slightly happy with that size and health.
And then, Nov. 2007, one day after a spinning class where I had rushed in a min or two late and did not set up my bike properly, I hurt my back. I could not walk the next day...my boss carried me to his back doctor. I have never been the same since: I have genetic disc degeneration disease. I have a bulging/herniated disc in the L4-L5 region. The X-rays show that they barely have any of their jelly left. I have been to and completed whole physical therapy sessions, like, been "graduated" by a physical therapist. I have been checked out by surgeons plural and they say as long as I keep up with my rehab therapy that I am not a candidate for back surgery...which is good because I have ONLY heard bad things about back surgery--that it doesn't necessarily help everything and etc. I have also been to a few chiropracters and have gotten acupuncture. I was doing really well with this plank routine, and have during the years gotten to the point where I could do any workout and be fine (even back up to 6 a week workouts). Over the past few years, I have accumulated 14 Jillian Michaels workout dvds (absolutely LOVE her...no I don't work for her!)... But, I skipped something: migraines. I keep re-injuring my low back because I want to workout, but, can't figure out how to take it easy. It is really hard to figure out. This recent time it was April! I have been in a reinjured state since APRIL. APRIL. It has been extremely depressing over the years. But, my low back is not actually what made me start putting on the weight...
All of that work on my core to support my messed up back went right out the window in 2010 when I first started to get cluster migraines. Daily migraines for the majority of my life since about Aug. 2010. At first, I did not even leave my house. My job gave me unpaid time off after I went past when I was allowed. I had a catscan, MRI, blood tests, and am currently under the care of a neurologist who has been trying her best. Today, I gave myself an injection while at work of immitrex and took an anti-nausea pill (gross TMI, sorry). But yeah, so, in Aug. 2010 with chronic migraines, I wasn't able to workout like I wanted and since then have kind of slowly gained to where I am.
How do I get by? How have I let it go on? I feel like I have been doing my best to get by. As you see above: I've been to specialists! I'm doing my low back rehab routine twice a day. I've tried the special diets in case the migraines were related to any food. I'm under the care of a neurologist. And, I hate to sound braggy, but, even this sick/injured for this long, I get praised at work for my skills (I'm a paralegal...taking my lunch to tell you this story, not sure that anyone might even WANT to read all this...). So, I do manage. Kind of. I'm not all that social. I used to be--before I hurt my back. I'm lucky to go out and socialize once a week. I have cancelled so many times on so many things I cannot even begin to count. I have wasted all of my vacation leave this year (and every year since 2007) on either low back pain or migraines. My boyfriend (of one year) has been patient but angry at all of my doctors and I finally gave in to his request to "do something." One day this summer, I was home sick with a migraine and I did some research. My migraines seem to be related to my hormones, so, potentially the b.c. I was on was making them worse. So, I visited my gyn. and asked her to put me on something else (we had actually tried 3 diff. b.c. options since "Migraine-2010," so, neither of us were entirely convinced anything would change, but, I wanted to show my boyfriend I was trying, so, here I was, again, trying a new b.c.).
July 29, I got the Mirena IUD. And, OMG, my migraines are all but gone!!!!! Today is an exception. But, I have a new problem: hellish, like HELLLLLLISH cramps. I have had about two collective weeks where I felt no cramps--since the end of July. I just went to see her again on Monday about this and had a sonogram: there is nothing wrong with the device, fortunately. I have no growths and it is in the right spot. She told me that for the first 3 months, this cramping is normal but not typical. Would I have tried this IUD if she had told me about all these cramps the BEFORE I got it? Yes, I would have! I was MISERABLE with my migraines and was desperate to try ANYTHING. I have one month left of potentially living with cramps a lot of the month. It has been about 2 full months, so, yes, I'm going to endure for that one additional month.
So, there it all is: low back injury and reinjury, migraines, and now, cramps. I want to say it has been a rough year, but, no, it has been a rough several. I know I'm fortunate that it is not worse--I know it could be. It really could!! But, that doesn't help me when I'm in my own pain. I get very depressed when I'm in pain and can't workout and/or just live life without pain. I emotionally binge-eat. I have been doing that a lot over the years and that is how I got to be 164 as of yesterday morning. I try to tell myself that I am beautiful today, right now, exactly how I am....but, I'm very very down right now, even though I know things can and will get better. I guess that is all for "how I got here." I hope I didn't depress any of you who read this thing!
One final thing: I'm scared, I'm so very very very scared that by the end of this 3rd month of the IUD that the cramps won't go away and I'll have to get off of it. And then I'll have the chronic migraines again. I don't want to go back!!!!! I don't want to be in cramp hell, but, I don't want to go back to migraine hell!! I don't know what to do (and, no, being completely off b.c. didn't help the migraines). So, I'm waiting. And doing my low back rehab, wearing an icyhot patch right now and on a lot of pain meds for the cramps and migraine. I'm trying to "hang in there, big guy" as they say.
This was my first blog post on here. Thanks for reading if you got this far! If not, I'm not offended!!! Again, I hope I did not depress you!! I always worry about that! I just decided to tell my story because a friend on here said it might help to talk about it.