Practicing Behavior Changes and Becoming Aware

So, I have this unexplainable food weakness. As listed on my sinful food, pizza is something I let control me and is a favorite of mine. In past days if I order pizza I can't possibly let there be left overs? If there are left overs it's the first thing I go to. I put way too much value on it and it is just food. I don't understand why. I do know that I am becoming aware. I do know that over the weekend I got pizza, a smaller one than usual. I had two pieces and wrapped the rest up and put it in the fridge and didnt touch it. My daughter spent the night at her grandmothers and came home the next day and said, "Why is there pizza still in here?" I felt so sad, ashamed, and a bit embarrassed. It was atypical for her to see any left overs because I have such a lack of discipline and feel the need to consume as much as I can. I came to a realization, I'm sick. This was hard. At the same time I felt joy that I overcame it. I didn't feel the need to hoard it all to myself. It was just food and it has little value. I began to ponder why I do this. Is it a control thing? It definitely brought more awareness to other areas of my life.

When I went to pick my daughter up from spending the night at my mothers house she always tries to feed us before we leave and she definitely values food highly. It's important to her, and I started to notice that she uses it to show favor or maybe display who she likes, loves, and appreciates more. Time after time again she will offer everybody in the house food except for me. Once everyone is done eating she will ask kind of rudely if I would like any. I decline, but when I leave I want to eat everything I see because I want to show myself that I am worth being valued and I'm worth it. I tear up thinking about how painful it is. Ultimately I destroy myself by trying to love myself. I hate this.

I have to step out and not let her have control. I have to separate myself from her especially if food is involved. It's the only way I see becoming healthy. Food does not express love and value. Food is nourishment. Food does not control me and my feelings. Food will not fulfill my emotional needs. My daughters need me healthy and I must make a change. I must say that DietBet is really helping me be aware not only of what and how much I consume, but why!

Chrissy

10/14/2014 6:14AM

Thanks for sharing, I know how hard it is to do, it was for me, more because I have to be honest with myself. But, as I've been discovering, it has helped. YOU ARE WORTH IT.... Try not to let her get to you. Your doing great thus far & we are here for you.
I have a very distorted view on food myself thanks to my mother so I can totally relate.

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Ange

10/13/2014 1:13PM

thank you for sharing this, i know it is probably hard to talk about! My mom was very critical about my looks when i was growing up and i think that is part of the reason i have no self confidence. I replay this scene in my head where she told me that soon I'd be as big as the house. I'm trying to love myself so my son can learn how to love himself too. Teach by example right? Trying to like myself no matter what weight i'm at but it's hard. I go to food if i'm depressed and it makes me more depressed. That's why I'm making a change :) We can do this!

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