I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about healthy eating and thinking. You can know what to eat, but if you don’t address why it’s hard, then you may just fall off the wagon. I remember losing a tremendous amount for my wedding, so much that they had to take in the gown a few times. I was a size 9, and had lost 86 lbs. I was unable to sustain it because I was shooting for the goal of “wedding day”. I was competing to prove to my family once and for all that I could do it. In retrospect, it was futile, since when I reached that point, they still found things to pick at. I recall being unhappy, although I was now “skinny”. I remember walking into a swimsuit store & the clerk actually walked up to me and pulled a bikini from the rack for me to try on. I was so caught up in my head, I never fully embraced the new me or figured out how to make it work, since I went about it in the wrong way. I did it for someone else.
When I was a kid, I spent a great deal of time with my aunt. She was single and would take me for the weekend, perhaps test driving the idea of having a kidJ We would start on Friday night, going out for Italian food, where she would order fettuccine alfredo, white zinfandel and incessantly smoke. She barely touched her food, while I would consume my bowl along with tons of bread. The next day was shopping at a store in the area known for discounted designer clothes. My aunt was petite, teetering on 4 inch heels was the norm for her, which made her about 5’2. This store did not seem to have a size above 6, so while she filled bags and bags of size 2 designer clothes, I would simply watch, itchy from my ill-fitting purple husky jeans. The next stop was her driveway.
Yes, her DRIVEWAY. She would pull out a beach chair, lather herself in Bain de Soleil and commence baking. This would be our afternoon. I would go inside, rather than watch her cook herself on the asphalt, taking short breaks with a sip of Pepsi Light. A perpetual Pall Mall hung from her perfectly lacquered pink lips.
As an adult, I now see her relationship with food was just as messed up as mine. She would allow herself wine, but not really eat food. The rest of the time was spent smoking and drinking Dunkin Donuts “extra light” with sugar. As a young kid, I so wished I could fit into those tiny clothes.
While it has taken a long time to get to this point for me, at least I have finally arrived. There is no binging and purging. There are no excessive bouts on the treadmill because I ate a cookie. There is no sitting in the sauna for an unhealthy length of time all in the name of weight loss.
My goal is to be healthy, plain and simple.