I've never used the word "nirvana" except in reference to a band.  But when I was trying to pinpoint my current state, nirvana was the only word that came close.  Here are a few definitions I found online:

1) a place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry and the external world.

2) a state or place of great happiness and peace.

Normally, my relationship with food is turbulent.  I love it.  I obsess over it.  I want it.  I hate it.  I feel guilt over it.  I feel imprisoned by it.

Most of my diets go something like this:

I wake up and my first thought is "Oh goodie, I can eat!"

I finish breakfast and my next thought is "how long until I can eat again."

This continues through lunch, snack and dinner until I am faced with the night time.

That's when everything turns ugly.  

I'm usually out of calories by that point, but I just can't stop thinking about food.  After a while I convince myself that one itty bitty snack won't be so bad.

I eat my snack... but it doesn't satisfy.  It just makes me want more.  And so, I talk myself into another itty, bitty snack.  Then the guilt sets in.  I feel angry at myself, helpless and hopeless.  Maybe - if I'm lucky - I'll feel disgusted enough with my lack of self-control to quit then.  But all to often, I throw the whole diet out the window and tell myself I'll start over and do better tomorrow.

Sound familiar?

But three times in my life, I have hit "food nirvana."  The first time was 7 years ago when I went on a post 6th and final baby diet.  I lost 35 lbs then.

The second time was 3 years ago when I went on a diet for my 25th anniversary cruise.  I lost 12 lbs that time.

And the third time was last week, during the 11th week of my current diet.

What is food nirvana?  

Well, for me it is total freedom from being controlled by food.  It means no guilt, no obsession, no self-anger.

For example:
Yesterday I woke up and my first thought was "I want to stay in bed" :)  But I got up and went for my morning walk.  I never even once thought about or longed for breakfast.  When I got home, I ate breakfast because I was really hungry.  When I finished, I was satisfied!

Every other meal went exactly like breakfast.  I even went to Mcdonalds and ordered a premium Mcwrap Chicken and Ranch (crispy!) because I had like 800 calories left and I knew I needed to eat.

Now, Chicken and Ranch Mcwraps are one of my favorite foods in the world!  And let me tell you, I savored every single bite!  But, when I had swallowed the last bit, I just smiled and thought "Wow!  That was good!"  

I didn't feel depressed because it was gone and immediately start planning when I could eat another or stand in front of the pantry trying to find something else I could eat to fill the emptyness that finishing the Mcwrap had left.  In fact, I didn't do anything!  No more eating.  No more thinking about food.  I just closed out my diary on My Fitness Pal and went about my life. 

I wonder if this is how naturally skinny people live their life?  Do they get to enjoy every single day in this gloriously balanced relationship with food?  Do they have any idea how blessed they are?

I also wonder, how do I keep this food nirvana going?  I know that on the two previous times, it went away slowly after I had reached a point where I no longer wanted to lose weight.  But, what can I do different this time?  

Because freedom from food's imprisonment is a very beautiful thing!