This is a long one. I wanted to write it all out just so I can look back on this and remember. I know someday I will need a reminder that I'm not perfect, but that I can keep improving and learning how to be successful and kind to myself.
Well holiday weekends are interesting things… I decided a long time ago that Valentine’s Day will be a free day for me. I will just let myself have the treats that my boyfriend and I had been planning, I wasn’t going to log my food; I was just going to relax. It was lovely. I had sparkling wine that I’ve missed so much, I had some potato chips (something I love but don’t let myself buy because I have very little self control with them). We made vegan French toast for breakfast, which turned out beautifully. In the afternoon we prepared this great sweet potato and spinach filling for stuffed pasta shells… then in the evening after all the delicious wine and food we didn’t even wanting to cook and ordered pizza! Haha! Mine was cheeseless, of course. It was great. I did go to sleep feeling very uncomfortably full, which tells me that I must have been doing well over the last 6 weeks of eating clean because I didn’t have any more than I used to eat on a regular Friday night and it didn’t used to bother me so much.
I woke up Sunday nearly feeling really guilty about it, but I stopped myself very quickly and said “No! You gave yourself a day off and it was lovely and don’t worry about it! One bad day here and there is nothing to feel guilty about!” And it worked! I listened to myself for once! It was amazing! I didn’t beat myself up at all. But… then I ate bad food again yesterday! There were treats left over in the house so I had some chips and I had some bubbly. Leftover pizza was my lunch. We made the stuffed shells for dinner, which turned out beautifully. I don’t think they shells are necessarily unhealthy, but the did end up being a fairly heavy meal. One treat day ended up being two treat days. Sigh.
I dreamed such horrible dreams all night, probably because I had eaten such delicious (and not so healthy) food all day and felt guilty about it deep down. Oh, the dreams were stressful! I had been kicked out of my house and had no where to live and no job… I actually woke up in a slight panic and had to remind myself that I do in fact have a job and a lovely place to live. I still felt rotten though. Then I very unwisely weighed myself this morning. (I KNEW I should have given myself a couple of healthy days to recovered from all the alcohol and junk food before I looked at that number, sigh) Cue the guilt storm! I basically felt like what I’ve been doing obviously isn’t working and I need to try something else or give up and resign myself to my fate of being this uncomfortable size for all eternity. I thought that maybe I should stop logging my food now. I just thought it was all stupid and I was failing and I should just eat potato chips! I just sat on the couch feeling lame for a bit and finally pulled out my journal. Within 2 sentences of whining to myself about it I straightened myself out! Treat weekends will happen. The scale will “forgive” me by the end of the week. I can and will go back to healthy food. In fact, this weekend hitting me so hard was a great signal that I must be doing wonderfully this year since I used to eat that way all the time and didn’t notice feeling so icky afterwards.
So, I made myself some coffee and was nice to myself. No more pity partying allowed. I started to clean the apartment in very small increments. It still looks a little like we had a party, which I guess we kind of did, but I’m nearly back to a sane level of messiness. I am feeling so much better now that the memories of the bad dreams have faded. I went ahead and logged my breakfast and planned to make a nice healthy stir-fry for dinner. Small, steady steps have gotten my home, my brain, and my motivation back in order. So, I’m am ready to be healthy again and my treat weekend while it was only meant to be a single treat day will at least not turn into a treat week, or month! Whew. Next scheduled treat day is exactly 4 weeks away on my birthday. I have a great themed menu planned for the murder Mystery Party I’m hosting. Lots of healthy stuff is involved, but lots of treats are too. I will work really hard to be as healthy as I can until then. I will completely enjoy my birthday, NOT feel guilty about it, and when it is over I’ll get back on this healthy horse. In the long run I think that’s the best thing I can do for me. :-)