This was written Friday, August 1, 2014:
Today I'm feeling kind of flat. I went to a party last night, did well on eating and had 2 glasses of red wine - smallish. Got home around 9:45 and stayed up another couple of hours. I woke up today the same weight as yesterday, which should make me happy as it means I've won the bet (if I don't gain between now and Sunday). I think I was hoping for a little drop.
REALITY CHECK...I've lost more than 6% at this point. I'm relatively safe for this weigh in. Why am I flat???? I guess I want the weigh in to happen because I'm afraid I'll bump up. And, I know that I chose to do this DB10 because I wanted to learn moderation and to enjoy the process. Why is it that I only enjoy the process when I'm losing weight? LOL...of course I know the answer to that, or you would think that I do.
Okay, let me look at the positives:
1. I've lost over 13 lbs.
2. I've lowered my BF% by one and a half %.
3. I'm about to be taken off of BP meds.
4. All of my clothes are loose and the smaller ones are fitting really well.
5. I've learned I can have an active social schedule and still lose weight.
6. I am a lot more active than I was.
7. I lived through passing a stone and not a heart attack (this one's a biggie).
8. I've met a wonderful group of supportive people on DB10
9. I have support from my neighborhood at home
10. There are so many more things that I'm beginning to get my own point for writing this now
I guess, for me, I need to remember all the positive things in my life and acknowledge that I'm fretting over issues of worthiness. I was watching a dvr'd episode of The Biggest Loser from last season the other day while working out on my elliptical. The show was the last week on campus and each contestant left was shown a movie of their progress since arriving on the ranch. It was emotionally charged for me (I know, that's what the producers intended) and it got me to thinking about my own journey.
A few weeks ago, a guy posted that he had lost an incredible amount of weight - 1 lb at a time. That quote came to mind for me during the BL episode because I just don't celebrate the small steps that lead me to the big ones. I celebrate all kinds of things for other folks and yet I expect so much more from myself. I say things to myself like, "sure, my honey lost 3 pounds this month and that's great...but I only lost 4 and that sucks!" I'm being gut honest here...that's how I think. How wrong is that???? Let's just say very wrong.
Where did I get this stinking thinking from? There are a myriad of places and the basic issue is that maybe someone else installed the thoughts originally but I had to make them my own. I'm guilty of sabotaging myself - it's not anyone else's fault at this point.
I am doing things differently this time. The biggest change is that I am reaching out to the community. I feel real kinship with so many of you and it keeps me checking in every day that I have internet. That alone keeps me on track more than anything I've done before. I am looking at the word "accountability" differently now. I used to think it meant that I must hit every goal perfectly to be accountable. Now I realize it means that I show up and contribute. It does take some pressure off. I see how each of you post your triumphs and your struggles and I understand each and every one at a cellular level. And, when I cheer you on, I really mean it. So, I'm going to start cheering myself on the same way. If I'm struggling, then I will tell myself to "Keep The Faith" and finish my words to myself with "Onward and Downward".
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog...it was important for me to write and I hope it was worth reading. Thanks, also, for being my partner on this journey. Cheers!