I have finally learned how to put up a wall of protection around my heart and emotions to keep out the saboteurs.  I probably come off a little cold sometimes but I have people in my life that sabotage my efforts, either directly or indirectly.  The worse culprits are my parents.  My father, not intentionally, my mother, intentionally.  

This is what I have heard just in the past month:

"Why aren't you eating dessert?"  

"Have a slice of this cake, it's got raspberry filling."  

"I know we shouldn't have (while looking me over), but we brought you a box of Valentine's Day chocolates."  (3x larger than anyone else's)

"I made this plate of pastry, but you can't have any."

 

Followed by:

"I am so concerned about your health I can't sleep at night."

"Have you lost 5 lbs.?" while looking me over with disgust for the nth time

"Your pants are huge, what size do you wear?"

 

I realized that visiting my parents had negative effects that lasted several days.  I feel resentful, defiant, rebelious.  And it works against me.  I want to stay fat just to spite them.  I feel like a teenager and I'm 47 years old!!!

I can't not see my parents, so I've found a way to put up a wall against them.  A psychological and emotional wall.  I only let it down when I deam it acceptable, otherwise it stays up and I stay pleasant... but distant, lest the hurt daggers unexpectedly come flying.

Behaving like a rebelious teenager against their looks and words only works against me.  It holds me back from an improved quality of life, from the kind of success I am looking for in my adult life, and the kind of relationships I am looking for in my adult life.  It is like I am trapped in my childhood and get out and can't be a fully-functioning adult.  I honestly think on a subconscious level that is also their goal, to hold me there, because I am an only child and as older people, their job of raising me is over.