I have finally learned how to put up a wall of protection around my heart and emotions to keep out the saboteurs. I probably come off a little cold sometimes but I have people in my life that sabotage my efforts, either directly or indirectly. The worse culprits are my parents. My father, not intentionally, my mother, intentionally.
This is what I have heard just in the past month:
"Why aren't you eating dessert?"
"Have a slice of this cake, it's got raspberry filling."
"I know we shouldn't have (while looking me over), but we brought you a box of Valentine's Day chocolates." (3x larger than anyone else's)
"I made this plate of pastry, but you can't have any."
Followed by:
"I am so concerned about your health I can't sleep at night."
"Have you lost 5 lbs.?" while looking me over with disgust for the nth time
"Your pants are huge, what size do you wear?"
I realized that visiting my parents had negative effects that lasted several days. I feel resentful, defiant, rebelious. And it works against me. I want to stay fat just to spite them. I feel like a teenager and I'm 47 years old!!!
I can't not see my parents, so I've found a way to put up a wall against them. A psychological and emotional wall. I only let it down when I deam it acceptable, otherwise it stays up and I stay pleasant... but distant, lest the hurt daggers unexpectedly come flying.
Behaving like a rebelious teenager against their looks and words only works against me. It holds me back from an improved quality of life, from the kind of success I am looking for in my adult life, and the kind of relationships I am looking for in my adult life. It is like I am trapped in my childhood and get out and can't be a fully-functioning adult. I honestly think on a subconscious level that is also their goal, to hold me there, because I am an only child and as older people, their job of raising me is over.