Last month I lost 6.5 pounds. It wasn't enough to win my Dietbet but it was enough to show me progress. I had started going to the gym, started tracking my food and reducing my calories. My clothes fit a bit better.
I shared my success with some of my family members and was met with negativity. "What happens when you eat the way you do?... Do you realize you have a problem?... Why can't you do what you did before to lose weight?. Why can't you just stop eating?"
You see before when I needed to lose weight, I took extreme measures. I would stop eating for a few days or weeks. I would totally restrict one food group for a month. I would only eat an apple a day, or I would only drink liquids for a month. Of course I lost huge amounts of weight and would “seem successful”. But the payback was huge. I would go through periods of binge eating on fast food and sugar; eating until I was sick. I would sneak candy and hide snacks. Here was this "successful" woman sneaking out in the middle of the night to a 24 hour drive thru, eating as much as I could, while tears of disgust and disappointment streamed down my face. I was out of control and I knew it. I felt that there was nothing I could do about it.
.... When I think about those dark days, I know that I never want to be there again. People who do not struggle with their weight cannot understand, the shame, the humiliation, the fear, and self-loathing that come with food issues. They can't understand the depression or the feelings of suicide that come with being trapped in this kind of cycle. I felt like I had no choice but to be a failure.
When I found blackweightlosssuccess.com, and looked at the before and after pictures I started crying. Here were a bunch of women who looked like me and struggled like me but yet were succeeding. When I found the Dietbet I had to join. I love reading everyone's updates, blogs, looking at the pictures, seeing the progress and food. It's inspirational. I've started thinking hey, if she could do it so can I. She failed but she's still going. She's busy but she made it to the gym..
I want to thank you all for being a part of this, it's like a healing for my soul. I'm no longer where I was. I REFUSE to listen to the inner or outside voices that try to pressure me to unhealthy eating patterns. I REFUSE to fall back into the cycle of self-sabotage and abuse. And I REFUSE to share my progress with people who will not celebrate it unless it meets their expectations.
Thanks for the support and for the sisterhood we all share.