Today us February 5th --- received an email from Diet Bets for a game, thought I would log in. I had the credit so, what the heck, here I am. Blogging, however, is new to me. Do I write down my thoughts for me or as if I am talking to someone else...? probably the later makes more sense for me whether anyone reads it or not.
I am 52, don't know where 2014 went, heck the last 10 years. They seem to be going by quicker and quicker. I joke about how I am slowly killing myself with food --- but joking aside.. it is pretty accurate.
Maybe I need to treat this like a job. I have always put my husband, work (a big one here as I knew I had the most control over my work ethic), my dogs, home, and others first. Women do that... but there has to be a time where we take care of ourselves - take control of "me". How can we expect to enjoy life, heck, live comfortable and healthy to enjoy retirement if we do not keep a mindful eye on ourselves? I know, I could die tomorrow in a car wreck, crossing the street etc - but I have no control over those things. - this, I have full control - I just have to get out of my own way.
I have yo yo'ed for years. I can tell you how and when the original pounds arrived - hysterectomy at 23 with 1st husband trying to make me happy with ice cream (and not the cheap stuff -- got Ben on my right hip, Jerry on my left.), 40 - 50 lbs there in 1986, bad relationship and misery (75 lbs there in 1998). I would lose and gain those same lbs so many times. As a teenager, young adult I always critized myself for my weight. I never felt good enough, pretty enough etc. (blame it on society at the time and their image projections) and always trying to seek approval/validation from my parents. Back then I was between 150 - 160 lbs - I would kill for that weight now... I looked good!!! very good!!! then again, I am using my appearance now as a comparison - not very fair to myself really.
Hey, side note, has anyone else noticed that what used to be a size 12 is now a size 6... thank you clothes industry with helping us ignore the issue by making the clothes bigger. I will have to find an old old catalog size chart to see if I am just imaging things. I know I have some 20 year old jeans I have never worn - gained before I had a chance.
I have very supportive family and friends - so why am I ashamed to let anyone else know I am trying to make a life behavioral change (I hate using the word "diet" it psyches me out and I want to eat everything in sight). Could it be I have failed so many times, it is hard to let them see another one. Anyone with a brain knows that I have bouts of trying to make a difference. Otherwise, I would weight even more. I don't want to exercise when my husband is home. Does anyone else have an issue with believing their husband/wife/significant other when they tell you that they love you no matter how much I weigh - he worries more about my health. I know he does, but why do I do this. I know -- low self esteem that has been a battle my entire life...
Ok... so today, I plan to start my walk down the path --- I am sure I might get lost a few times along the way but I have GPS, so I will find my way back. Who is with me?