Today us February 5th --- received an email from Diet Bets for a game, thought I would log in.  I had the credit so, what the heck, here I am.   Blogging, however, is new to me.  Do I write down my thoughts for me or as if I am talking to someone else...? probably the later makes more sense for me whether anyone reads it or not.  

I am 52, don't know where 2014 went, heck the last 10 years. They seem to be going by quicker and quicker.  I joke about how I am slowly killing myself with food --- but joking aside.. it is pretty accurate. 

Maybe I need to treat this like a job.  I have always put my husband, work (a big one here as I knew I had the most control over my work ethic), my dogs, home, and others first.  Women do that... but there has to be a time where we take care of ourselves - take control of "me".  How can we expect to enjoy life, heck, live comfortable and healthy to enjoy retirement  if we do not keep a mindful eye on ourselves?  I know, I could die tomorrow in a car wreck, crossing the street etc - but I have no control over those things. - this, I have full control - I just have to get out of my own way.     

I have yo yo'ed for years.  I can tell you how and when the original pounds arrived - hysterectomy at 23 with 1st husband trying to make me happy with ice cream (and not the cheap stuff -- got Ben on my right hip, Jerry on my left.), 40 - 50 lbs there in 1986,  bad relationship and misery (75 lbs there in 1998).  I would lose and gain those same lbs so many times.   As a teenager, young adult I always critized myself for my weight.   I never felt good enough, pretty enough etc. (blame it on society at the time and their image projections) and always trying to seek approval/validation from my parents.  Back then I was  between 150 - 160 lbs -  I would kill for that weight now... I looked good!!!   very good!!!  then again, I am using my appearance now as a comparison - not very fair to myself really.

Hey, side note, has anyone else noticed that what used to be a size 12 is now a size 6... thank you clothes industry with helping us ignore the issue by making the clothes bigger.  I will have to find an old old catalog size chart to see if I am just imaging things.  I know I have some 20 year old jeans I have never worn - gained before I had a chance.   

I have very supportive family and friends - so why am I ashamed to let anyone else know I am trying to make a life behavioral change (I hate using the word "diet" it psyches me out and I want to eat everything in sight).  Could it be I have failed so many times, it is hard to let them see another one.  Anyone with a brain knows that I have bouts of trying to make a difference. Otherwise, I would weight even more.   I don't want to exercise when my husband is home.  Does anyone else have an issue with believing their husband/wife/significant other when they tell you that  they  love you no matter how much I weigh - he worries more about my health.  I know he does, but why do I do this.  I know -- low self esteem that has been a battle my entire life... 

Ok... so today, I plan to start my walk down the path --- I am sure I might get lost a few times along the way but I have GPS, so I will find my way back.  Who is with me?