My Journey from being Morbidly Obese to Healthy

Y'all my whole life I would lose and gain. I was such a yoyo dieter it was ridiculous. Before my wedding almost 10 years ago I dropped over 100 pds with weightwatchers. I stopped going to meetings bc I was smaller and thought I knew what I was doing and didn't need weightwatchers assistance any longer. I was wrong. I became so obsessed with losing weight for my wedding and quickly became overwhelmed. I was a student in the radiology program, specializing in CT at the time. (I have a bachelor's in science). I literally had my rehearsal dinner the day after finals, got married, went on my honeymoon, had christmas and went straight back to school, clinicals and working full time hours at the hospital. When I have outside stressers in my life it used to always trigger my eating disorders. Why am I so open about my past Binge Eating Disorder and Bulimia??? Because these are real life issues that people deal with and hide. My journey has never been sunshine and rainbows. I don't want to portray it that way either. It wasnt easy. It didn't happen overnight!!! I don't want people looking at me and saying look how easy it was for her, thinking they can just start eating like me and have huge losses. Because the week they don't get that high number they're looking for, they will more than likely get discouraged. What happens when people don't usually see immediate results? Let's be honest, most people give up and quit! I know because I've been one of those people on several occasions in my lifetime regarding my weight loss journey. Anyways back to my story- As you can imagine my eating disorder was completely kicked into overdrive right before my wedding and well after. A couple of years later when my husband and I decided we wanted to have a baby (I had stopped being bulimic at this point in my journey but hadn't conquered my binge eating) I just immediately assumed I'd get pregnant. Six months later I was very discouraged and still nothing. When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited I couldn't stand it!!! I told EVERYONE and I MEAN everyone!!! When I went to the dr for my visit at 5 weeks I could tell by the ultrasound techs face that something was wrong. I mean I work in radiology and I know that look. My dr told me that my weeks may have just been off and that I wasn't as far along as I thought. I knew that was wrong though bc I had tracked it down to the day. The next visit we were supposed to go in to hear the heartbeat. I had kept telling myself that everything would be fine but deep down I was extremely scared. I was deamed a "high risk" pregnancy. Do you ever experience memories where you know exactly what you were wearing and the smells around you at the time of an event??? I had this dress from old navy. It was yellow and gray and was my absolute favorite. I wore it on my honeymoon and would literally wear it everywhere. I wore that yellow and gray dress that day bc for some reason I thought if I wore that dress that I'd had so many wonderful memories in, that everything would magically work out. I got dressed and i remember I was wearing victoria's secret love spell spray (crazy how i associate that spray and dress with that day). I went in and since I was high risk my dr came in to do the ultrasound and had the tech standing to the side. I couldn't look at my dr I just watched the techs face and I knew. I knew my dreams were about to be shattered just by the look she was trying to conceal. My dr explained to me and my husband that the baby hadn't properly developed and that I would need a DNC. I refused bc I work in the medical field and I have seen miracles happen. I told her no that I wanted to wait and see. She informed me that I would probably miscarry and the side effects of what would come if I didnt have a DNC. 2 weeks later (I was 10 weeks pregnant), we lost out first baby. I say we because it killed us both. My dr assured me it wasn't a result of anything I had done but in my mind I thought it was my fault for all the previous stress I had put on my body from my eating disorders. I starting rapidly gaining weight after that. I was depressed and eating everything. When I found out I was pregnant again I was immediately deemed HIGH RISK again bc of my levels. I told Tim that if I lost another baby I was done trying bc I couldn't handle the pain from the loss. God blessed us with the most loving, kind, red headed baby and I couldn't have picked out a more perfect baby for me if I tried. No one warned me though about post pardom depression. I mean I knew about it but I always associated it with what I had seen on tv (moms who don't bond with their kids and are depressed. Yes I KNOW that is not what it's really like at all since I experienced it first hand). I had the exact opposite symptoms of anyone I'd ever heard diagnosed with PPD. I was a helicopter mom (I still am). I was bonded to my baby like glue. I was so afraid that something was going to happen to Lane that I was constantly checking to make sure he was breathing. I mean I was literally SO terrified that something was going to happen to my baby, that I couldn't even sleep at night. I talked to my Dr. and that's when she diagnosed me with post pardom. She explained how common it is for people who lose their first baby to experience PPD when they have another child since they had already experienced a loss. (Which made perfect sense bc I never wanted to experience that pain again). After a year and finally getting over my PPD my weight was WAY WAY up (my binge eating was full force at the time). When I found out about Andrew I was in total shock. He was our little surprise and God put that sweet little baby in my life at the absolute perfect time. I always say God gave me Andrew bc i kept complaining that Lane looked nothing like me LOL. Andrew's my little clone. I love my kids with all my heart. Anyone who knows me knows I always put my boys first. However, I used them as an excuse for not eating healthy or not having time or energy to workout. After I had Andrew, I was at my all time highest weight- 309 pds. One day I just woke up and said I'M DONE. I was done being overweight. I was done letting it hold me back. Most importantly, I didn't want my weight to hinder them from having certain life experiences bc I was unable to do them. So I knew that I had to make a change. My Dr. had told me I was in the morbidly obese catagory when I went for a check up and that was it. I was petrified. I had my old ww books at the house from before my wedding and I pulled them out. I lost about 30 pds at home with those old books before I felt comfortable enough to go back and rejoin ww. After joining I lost another 120 pds on simplyfilling in 10 months. I did lose a lot of weight quickly BUT I was also nursing a baby half of that time so I personally think that helped my weight loss. Weightwatchers also helped me conquer my binge eating disorder (along with therapy). Within the last yr when I found out I "may" be able to get my excess skin removed, I started working out and really watching what I ate and lost some more. At my surgery they removed 3 pds of excess skin. I have been maintaining since then and am so thankful for this dietbet bc it really has motivated me to get off my rump and start exercising again!! I know that once I get in a routine I will be fine. It's just like my eating- once I got the program of my choice down, I know exactly what I have to do to get the results I want. Now I'm doing the same with my exercise :)